Our First Weird Adventure in Wonderland
by hmueller
Summary: After Pinocchio ends up in Victorian-era England and befriends a local girl named Alice Kingsleigh, they both will tumble down the rabbit hole to the world of Wonderland. And this can only mean one thing, this is going to be one weird adventure for our robotic puppet hero.
1. Prologue

Our First Weird Adventure in Wonderland

Prologue

You know how there are some adventure stories where you get yourself into a situation, but it was someone else's fault. Well, that's exactly what happened to me on this adventure, except _this_ time, I was bargaining for more than what I'd asked for. More on that another time.

Where we last left off, I had just started playing with my new toy: my time machine. I ended up in Victorian-era England, which meant strict rules, society crap, corsets, and lots and _lots_ of snooty laughter. Thankfully, I did my best to avoid that. You're probably thinking, "Why didn't you just leave if you didn't like it?".Because I was lazy. Thankfully, my laziness soon introduced me to something that I wouldn't forget in a long time.

It was a mid-spring afternoon. I was training my Pokemon in some random park. It was actually a very nice park. There were a lot of trees, a big lake with a river flowing into it, a whole bunch of flowers, and you could see Big Ben at a few parts of the park.

"All right, Pikachu," I said. "Let's do it again."

I threw a rock high up into the air. Pikachu used Thunderbolt in it, and it exploded into a billion tiny pieces.

"Nice job, dude!" I congratulated, giving Pikachu a high five.

It was then I felt a weird prickling on the back of my neck. And you all know what _that_ means.

"Everyone, return," I commanded. All my Pokemon went back into their Pokeballs, and then I took a look around.

Nothing at first, but then I saw a flash of blonde hair from behind a tree. Deciding to catch my stalker by surprise, I went around to the opposite side of the tree where they were hiding. I placed my back to the tree, waited a few seconds then jumped around the corner, screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, KID!"

It was a little girl. She looked about nine, had blonde hair, a black ribbon in it, and blue eyes. She was wearing a light blue dress with an apron and simple black shoes. For a little kid, she wasn't that bad looking When I jumped out at her, she shrieked and the orange cat she was holding jumped out of her hands and ran away.

"Were you _spying_ on me?" I asked repulsed. "Where do you get the _gall_ to do that!"

The girl started stuttering, but I wasn't in the mood to listen.

"Look kid, if you wanna hang out with me, you're going to have to be a good adventurer," I said sternly and quickly. "WELL, ARE YA!"

"Uhh, well … yes, but …" the girl said, but I didn't let her finish.

"Okay, good," I said, completely changing my attitude upon hearing this. "Welcome aboard." I held out my hand for her, but she didn't take it. In fact, she looked kinda nervous. "What's wrong?" She didn't answer. I guess I went a little to far with the examination. Wanting to make myself seem more friendly, I said to her, "Hey, I don't bite." Deciding to be a little more formal, I took off my hat and gave a low bow.

"I'm Pinocchio, by the way," I said, deciding to introduce myself. "Pinocchio P. Woodworth. "What's your name?"

"A-Alice," she stuttered. "Alice Kingsleigh."

"Nice to meet you," I said in what I hoped to be a friendly tone. My mind suddenly went back to the cat. "I think I saw where your cat went. Come on, let's go get it."

We walked over to the tree where I saw the cat disappear up into. And, sure enough, there it was, cowering on the top branch.

"There it is," I said casually, pointing up at the cat.

I looked over at Alice, who seemed hesitant to climb up there.

"Don't worry," I reassured, "I'll get it."

I then began to jump ninja-like from branch to branch, finally reaching the top and grabbing the cat. Then I landed gracefully on the ground.

"Here you go," I said, giving the cat back to her.

"Thank you." Alice was silent for a few moments. Then said awkwardly, "Well, I'd better be getting home."

I then had an idea.

"Wait," I said. "Do you think it would be all right if I came with you. I really don't have any place to stay, and I'm starting to get a little tired of sleeping out here in the boonies."

"You're in a park," Alice pointed out.

"I know."

"Well … uhhh-"

"Great," I said, not letting her finish. "Thanks. I'll go get my stuff."

I then ran off to get my things.

 _Dear Coraline,_ I wrote. _I am still in the Victorian-era of England, but I am now living with a family called the Kingsleigh's. Their daughter, Alice, was watching me train my Pokemon today, but we were able to hit it off. The family is really nice, and they let me in with open arms …. I haven't gone on any huge adventures yet, but I'm hoping, now that I'm living with Alice, something will open up soon. Write to me and tell me how you're doing. Love, Pinocchio._

I folded the letter, reached for the envelope, and put it inside. I then got out my interdimensional key.

 _Coraline Jones_ , I thought.

I turned the key and a small, white portal opened. I hoped that the humming noise it was making wouldn't wake Alice up. I put the letter inside, and it disappeared. I then walked over to the side of Alice's bed and crawled into my sleeping bag. As my eyes began to droop, I prayed to Jesus that Alice and I would be good friends, and that we would go on a grand adventure soon.


	2. Chapter 1: The Weirdness Begins

Chapter 1- The Weirdness Begins

A month had passed, and … well … let's just say that Alice and I didn't become the _best_ of friends. So she might've gotten mad at me for reasons she keeps calling "my fault" and we've gotten into some physical fights for that; I may have also said a few "embarrassing" things about her in front of her friends, and I may have also trashed the Kingsleigh's apartment a few times. Here's what I have to say about that: I'm just trying to have fun, I make mistakes, and I may have done some things that have gotten out of control and led to disastrous results. That _still_ doesn't give Alice the excuse to lose her temper at me and beat the ever-living crap out of me (I usually win the fights, though).

But, other than that, the family still treated me as one of their own. Alice had an older sister named Margaret. She shared the same views of me as Alice did. Her parents were the same, though I think Alice's dad showed a little more patience. And her mom did her best to be patient. Alice's dad was in charge of a trading company. From what I gathered, his company had reached out to places in Asia, though I couldn't remember where.

Excluding mine and Alice's many rows, nothing really eventful happened to me. Adventure-related is what I mean …. Not until one day.

It was a fine, spring afternoon. Alice, Margaret, and I had traveled to the park (the same park where I met Alice) to work on Alice's studies, which were about as dead-boring as the Victorian-era themselves. We had planted ourselves beside a tree. As Margaret went on about England's history, I tuned her out by replacing every word she said with "blah" in my head and was also making saliva bubbles. Alice wasn't paying much attention either. She had gathered a bunch of flowers and was making a crown out of them.

" _Alice_ ," Margaret snapped when Alice accidentally put her foot in her face. Alice and I had climbed onto a low branch.

"Hmm," Alice said, as if she had suddenly noticed her sister was there. "I'm listening." She then went back to her flower crown.

When she had finished, she placed it on her cat, Dinah's, head. She then giggled as her cat swat the crown off her head. I, myself, smirked a little at the cat's expense.

" _Alice_ ," Margaret said again, although _this_ time, she sounded more ticked off. We both looked down to see that the crown had landed on the purple bonnet she was wearing. "Will you _kindly_ pay attention to your history lesson." She took the crown off her head.

"Ha, _no_ ," I said out loud. Margaret gave me an angry look.

"I'm sorry," Alice said, "but how can one possibly listen to a book with no pictures in it?"

"And also, Margaret, it would sound more interesting if you were reading it backwards," I said lazily.

"My dear children," Margaret said as if we were the biggest pain in the neck in the world. "There are a great many good books in this world _without_ pictures. And Pinocchio, _why_ would you want to hear me read it backwards?"

"Because it would sound funnier that way," I said smiling.

"In this world, perhaps," Alice said. "But in _my_ world, the books would be nothing _but_ pictures."

" _Your_ world," Margaret said incredulously. "Oh, what nonsense."

"Nonsense?" Alice said, as if getting an idea.

 _Oh boy_ , I thought, my stomach churning with worry.

"That's it, you two," Alice said, pulling Dinah onto her lap. "If I had a world of my own, _everything_ would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And, contrary wise, what it is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be it would. You see?" I felt as though I had lost a couple of IQ points. She said the last part to her cat. Dinah mewed and shook her head.

"Pinocchio?" she said inquisitively, turning to me.

"Alice, all that description did was put me a few seconds closer to death," I said honestly. " _What_ are you talking about?"

"In my world, you wouldn't say, 'meow'," Alice explained, climbing off the branch. "You'd say, 'Yes, Miss Alice'."

Dinah meowed understandingly.

" _Ooooh_ ," I said, finally getting it. "Well then, why didn't you just say _that_?"

Alice gave me a _shut-up_ look. She then pulled Dinah down from the branch and into her arms.

"Oh, but you would," she said to her cat. "You'd be just like people, Dinah, and all the other animals, too. Why in my world …"

She walked over to a bed of daisies and layed down in it. Then before I knew it, she started singing.

 _Cats and rabbits_

 _Would reside in fancy little houses_

 _And be dressed in shoes and hats and trousers_

 _In a world of my own_

 _All the flowers_

 _Would have very extra special powers_

 _They would sit and talk to me for hours_

 _When I'm lonely in a world of my own_

 _There'd be new birds_

 _Lots of nice and friendly howdy-do birds_

 _Everyone would have a dozen bluebirds_

 _Within that world of my own_

 _I could listen to a babbling brook_

 _And hear a song that I could understand …_

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. Please, Alice hearing a song she could understand? She didn't know any other language besides English. The other stuff she mentioned sounded just as cheesie.

Alice then climbed out of the flower bed and sat beside the brook. I decided to climb down and join her.

 _I keep wishing it could be that way_

 _Because my world would be a Wonderland._

Alice touched the surface of the brook with her finger. I scoffed again and rolled my eyes.

"Can it have Pokemon, too?" I asked sarcastically.

Alice gave me an testy look and then said, "Sure, whatever."

"Really," I said amazed. I didn't think she would take that seriously.

"Yes, really."

Well, at least this world of her's would have something interesting.

Just then, Dinah started going crazy. I really hoped that she didn't have to pee.

"Oh, Dinah," Alice said, "it's just a rabbit with a waistcoat-" Then she stopped.

I saw it two. A white rabbit wearing a red waistcoat and glasses ….

"-and a watch," Alice finished.

My mouth dropped open. If Alice, Dinah, and I could see it, then none of us were losing it. The rabbit checked its giant watch and then his eyes bugged out.

"Oh my fur and whiskers!" he exclaimed and then started running. "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!"

"This is curious," Alice remarked, getting up. "What could a rabbit possibly be late for?"

"Why would you even care?" I asked dryly, but then she started chasing after the bunny.

"Please, sir!" she called.

"Hey, wait!" I began to chase after Alice. There was no way I was letting her go off on her own, because if something were to happen to her, it would, of course, be _my_ fault. The rabbit then started talking in what I figured was supposed to be a song.

 _I'm late!_

 _I'm late!_

 _For a very important date._

 _No time to say hello._

 _Goodbye!_

 _I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!_

"It must be awfully important, like a party or something," I heard Alice say when I caught up to her, my lungs feeling as though they were going to explode. "Mr. Rabbit! Wait!" Alice began to run off again. I sighed exasperatedly. This kid was going to be the death of me. I continued to follow her. The rabbit then went back to talk-singing.

 _No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!_

 _I'm overdue,_

 _I'm really in a stew!_

 _No time to say goodbye._

 _Hello!_

 _I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!_

The rabbit jumped into a hole and went out of sight.

"My," Alice whispered to herself when she approached the hole. "What a peculiar place to have a party."

Dinah mewed in agreement.

"He's a rabbit," I pointed out, catching up to her. "What did you expect."

She then shushed me.

"You know Dinah, we really … shouldn't be … doing this," she said, moving Dinah out of the way and attempting to squeeze into the hole. She would've been successful if her butt hadn't gotten stuck. I thought my face was going to explode from me preventing myself from laughing. "Pinocchio, could you help me."

"That depends," I said, deciding to give her a hard time. "Will you stop throwing conniption fits at me all the time?"

"Pinocchio, help me or I swear I will kick you!"

"All right, all right."

I pressed my shoulder against her leg and started pushing. After a few seconds, she squeezed in and began to crawl further inside. I followed after her.

"After all," Alice continued, "we haven't been invited. And curiosity often leads to tro-"

"Uh, Alice," I said, "Are you going to stop talking and pay attention or are you just going to keep rambling?"

"What are you talking abou-" she started, but too late. The next step she took sent her plummeting downwards.

"Yep," I sighed. "Called it."

" _PINOCCHIO_!" she screamed.

"I'm coming, I'm coming."

I ran forward and leaped down into the hole, joining Alice as gravity took hold of us. When we looked up, we saw Dinah waving good-bye to us. I thought she would jump in after us, but I guess not.

"Goodbye, Dinah!" Alice called up to her. "Gooooood-byyyyyyyyye!"

"Nice work!" I yelled at Alice. She gave me a look as if she were praying that every night I would get torn apart by racoons.

But even with that, we clasped our hands with each other so as not to get separated. After dropping for a few more seconds, Alice's dress opened up like a parachute, and I had to climb onto her back so that we could stay afloat. At least now we would be falling more smoothly from here.

"Well," she said, "after this, I shall think nothing of-" Her apron then flew up to her face and she had to smooth it back down. "-of falling down stairs."

"Girl, you have _no_ idea of what it's like falling down stairs," I said knowingly.

"Really? How many times have _you_ fallen down the stairs?"

" _That_ question is not important enough to be answered right now."

Suddenly, we both saw a light from below us. As we approached it, it turned out to be a lamp. When Alice turned it on, we finally got to see where we were, and it was _trippy_. We were surrounded by a brick wall and we kept passing different furniture, like pictures, shelves with vases on them, chairs with stools, and a mirror, though our reflection was upside down. We then passed a small table with books on them. Alice picked up one of the books and look like she was about to read it, but then got distracted by a sound. It was a passing grandfather clock. If this place wasn't already weird enough, two seconds later, I felt as though I was the middle part of a sandwich, with Alice on one side and something else of the other. She had landed in a passing by rocking chair, and, most unluckily for me, she was sitting on me.

"Uh, Alice," I said in a muffled voice, her butt on my face. "A little help here."

Alice looked at me for a moment, but then a sly smile crossed on her face. It then dawned on me what she was about to do.

" _No_ ," I said. "No! _Don't you dare_! I can't breathe!"

She did. She leaned back in the chair, putting her whole weight on me. I felt like I was being pressed to death. But then the rocking chair leaned forward and Alice and I slipped off. Thank gosh I could breathe again. I was going to get Alice for that later.

"Goodness," she said. "What if we should fall right through the center of the eeeeaaarrttttthhhhh!" We then flew through a narrow gap in the whole.

 _Oh please_ , I thought to myself. _If we flew right into the center of the earth, we'd be dead by now_.

We then began falling upside down. I had to keep a tighter hold onto both Alice and my hat to prevent both me and that from falling and giving myself a concussion.

"And come out the other side where people woke upside down?" Alice continued as we passed a map of the earth. "Oh, but that's silly. Nobody-"

BANG!

We suddenly stopped falling and had finally reached the bottom, but everything still looked upside down. And there was the rabbit. Or at least, the upside down version of the rabbit's butt. He seemed to be running down a hallway. We then noticed that Alice's feet were caught on a random pole thing.

"Here," I said, "let me get off first."

I let go of Alice and had to crab-walk upside down to get out of her way. When I got onto my feet again, I noticed that it seemed as though we had fallen down what looked like a chimney.

"You need help," I offered to Alice.

"No, I can manage," she said. She put her hands on the ground and let her feet fall forward. She then got back onto _her_ feet. "Oh Mr. Rabbit. Wait! Please!" She began following the bunny again and I trailed after her.

We turned a corner into another hallway. Then, from behind us, we heard a door close. We turned around and sure enough, there was a door. We walked over to it, but when Alice opened it, there was a smaller door behind it. And another one behind that one … and another … and another … and another … and one more that was so small we had to crawl through it. On the other side was a cubical looking room.

"Curiouser and curiouser," Alice mumbled to herself. I rolled my eyes. She was getting _way_ too deep into … whatever this was.

From in front of us, we saw a small set of curtains move. We walked over to them, and when Alice pulled back the curtains, there was yet another door behind them. This door was even smaller than the previous door. Alice went to grab the doorknob, but when she did, it cried out in pain.

Alice gasped.

"Oh, I beg your pardon," she said.

"HOLY CRAP!" I yelled. "The door is talking. That is _so_ not right."

"Quite all right," it said. "But you did give me quite a turn."

"You see, we were following-" Alice started, but the door interrupted.

"Rather good one. _Doorknob_. _Turn_." It started turning it's doorknob nose back and forth and laughing at its joke.

"Please sir," Alice said desperately.

"Well, one good turn deserves another," it said gleefully. "What can I do for you two?"

"Well, we're looking for a white rabbit, so um … if you don't mind-"

But then the door interrupted her again and opened its mouth. Alice looked through it.

"There he is!" she cried with excitement.

"I wanna see!" I said, pushing her out of the way.

"Wait your turn."

"You already had your turn." I tried to hold Alice's face away with my hand, but then she shoved me out of the way.

"Why we simply must get through." She excitedly reached for the doorknob's nose, but it pulled away.

"Sorry," it said. "You both are much too big. Simply impassible."

"You mean 'impossible'," Alice corrected.

"No, 'impassible'," it said back. "Nothing's 'im _poss_ ible'."

Alice gave it an annoyed look.

"Why don't you two try the bottle on the table," it suggested.

"Table?" Alice said confused as we both turned around.

Then, out of nowhere, a glass table randomly appeared with a small bottle on it. I then deduced that its appearance was because of magic. So yeah.

"Read the directions, and directly you'll be directed in the right direction," the doorknob explained. I didn't know if he was giving us a riddle or if he was going crazy. Either way, I just pretended that he hadn't said anything.

We both got up and walked over to the table. When Alice picked up the bottle, there was a little note attached on the top part of it. It read "Drink Me." She then unstophered it.

"Hmm, better look first," she said to herself. "For if one drinks much from a bottle marked poison … it's almost certain to disagree with one sooner or later."

I had _no_ idea what she was talking about.

"Uhh … Alice?" I said nervously. "Did you go insane or something because I didn't catch a _word_ of that."

"Beg your pardon?" the doorknob said. I guess he and I were on the same page about Alice's current mental condition.

"I was just giving myself some good advice, but …." Alice then took a sip of whatever was in the bottle. I instinctively wanted to stop her, but I was too late.

"Hmm, taste like cherry tart," she said, but then the most unexpected thing happened. Alice began _shrinking_! I shrieked and jumped back in alarm. She then took another swig from the bottle. "Custard, pineapple, roast turkey … GOODNESS!"

As she named the different foods, she shrank more and more until she was so small she couldn't hold the bottle any more.

"Here, let me see what's in this freaky booze," I said, grabbing the bottle up from the floor.

"It's not _booze_ Pinocchio!" Alice called up to me.

"Whatever." I put the bottle to my lips and drank some of the contents within. I began to taste different things, too, though not the same as what Alice had said. Instead, _I_ tasted hot dogs, nachos, meatball subs, pizza with practically every single topping you could imagine …. Then I fell onto my back and the bottle, now giant, landed right next to me. I sat up and looked around. The glass table was now as big as a tree. The room itself seemed to have gotten bigger. And there was Alice, holding out her hand to me. I took it and she helped me back onto my feet.

"What did we do?" Alice asked.

The doorknob them began chuckling. "You both almost went out like candles," it said.

"But look," Alice said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door, "we're just the right size." She then made for the doorknob's nose again, but it pulled away.

"Ooh, no use," it said, laughing. "I forgot to tell you both, I'm _locked_!"

"Oh _no_!" Alice facepalmed herself. If this went on any longer, I was going to rip that door right off its hinges.

"But, of course, you both have the key, so-" it said, but then Alice interrupted.

"What key?"

"Now don't tell me you both left it up there," it said, turning its attention back to the table.

A key appeared out of thin air next second.

"Oh dear," Alice groaned. She walked over to the table and began climbing it, but it was no use. She couldn't get a good grip and soon slid back down onto the floor.

"Pinocchio, could you get it for me?" she asked.

"I'm not getting that key for you," I said stubbornly, crossing my arms and turning away.

"Why not!"

"Hey, _you_ wanna get through that door so bad, _you_ get it. I've already shrunk because of some stupid potion. I'm not doing anything else here in this freaky place.

Alice looked as though she wanted to kill me, but then turned away.

"Whatever will we do?" she said gloomily. I was slightly annoyed that Alice was making it sound as though this was _my_ problem, too.

"Try the box, naturally," the doorknob suggested. A tiny box then appeared out of nowhere. Alice opened it, and in it looked like little cookies that had letters on it that spelled out "Eat Me."

"All right," Alice said, taking one of the cookies out, "but goodness knows what _this_ will do."

"And I ain't eating that if that's what you're think-" I didn't get to finish because Alice then started growing at a very rapid rate. She was growing so fast that I didn't have enough time to get out of the way of her foot pressing itself against me.

SMOOSH!

I collided with the door, Alice's foot crushing my back. The door then muttered something that I couldn't make out. Alice then pulled her foot away from the door, freeing me from my sandwich-like condition.

"What did you say?" Alice asked.

I turned around to face her. Alice had gotten so large that her head was pressed against the ceiling.

"Geez, Alice, you trying to kill me?" I asked annoyed.

"Oh, shut up, Pinocchio," she snapped.

I stuck my tongue out at her and she stuck hers out back.

"I said 'A little of _that_ went a _long_ way'," the doorknob said, laughing.

"Dude, that's not funny," I said disappointed.

"Well, _I_ don't think it's so funny," Alice said, choking up. I could see tears beginning to form in her eyes. "N-Now I shall never get home." A giant teardrop fell from her eyes. I quickly pulled out my backpack from my pocket, zipped it open, and pulled out an umbrella. I opened it just as the tear hit the ground, splattering everything and making it wet.

"Oh, come now," the doorknob said. "Crying won't help."

"I-I know," Alice said, her voice getting all stuffy and more teardrops falling down. At this rate, I had to propel myself with my tail to prevent myself from drowning. "But I just can't … stop when I start!"

Teardrops were falling everywhere. It was like either like a tropical storm or like one of those crazy-intense thunderstorms that happen before a tornado.

"This-this won't do at all!" the doorknob shouted, water splattering against his face. "You! You up there! Stop! Stop I say!"

Something then caught both our eyes.

"Oh look!" the doorknob shouted again. "The bottle! The bottle!"

Alice, who had finally stopped balling her eyes out, took up the bottle and drank some out of it. In less than two milliseconds, she shrank again, back to the size she was before. She then fell bottom first into the bottle. '

"I'm coming Alice!" I yelled, putting away the umbrella and diving into the bottle with her. It was a good thing I was so skinny or else Alice and I would've been smooshed.

"Oh dear," Alice said to herself. "I _do_ wish I hadn't cried so much."

"Ya think!" I said snarkily.

Alice then pushed my face up against the side of the bottle with her hand for a few seconds. The doorknob began to drink the water, and we _finally_ went through him to the other side.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Being Forced to Run in a Caucus Race and Listening to Some Idiot Twin's Story

After we reached the other side of the door, we were floating for a few minutes when we suddenly heard singing. We both looked around and saw something that made me think that that potion we drank might've been drugged.

It was a dodo dressed up all fancy-like and wearing one of those hats that people in the Revolutionary War-era would've been wearing. He even had the hairdo, and was also smoking out of a pipe. He was riding on a toucan, I think, and was being pushed by another bird. And what the dodo was singing was possibly more annoying than any given theme song on _Disney Jr_.

 _Oh, a sailor's life is the life for me_

 _How I love to sail o'er the bounding sea_

 _And I never, never,_

 _Ever do a thing about the weather_

 _For the weather never ever does a thing for me!_

 _Oh, a sailor's life is the life for me_

 _Tiddle-ee-um pom pom_

 _Deedle dum dum dee_

 _And I never ev-_

Then he stopped, which was a good thing, because if I had to listen to another word out of him, I would've personally jumped out of the bottle and drowned myself. He seemed to have spotted something

"Ahoy!" he shouted. "Another nautical expression."

For one wild moment, I thought he had spotted us, but then-

"Land ho, by jove!" he shouted to his bird comrade.

"Where away, Dodo?" the bird asked.

"Dodo?" Alice said confused. Apparently she'd never seen a dodo before.

"Three points to starboard," the dodo directed. "Pull away, me hearties. Have you in port in no time, at all."

He then began to sail away again and started singing that stupid song again.

"Mr. Dodo!" Alice called, pulling herself to the top of the bottle. "Please! Please help us!"

It did no good. He was already too far away from us to hear.

Turning around, we both saw a parrot, an owl, and a pelican riding on a log toward shore. Alice's tears were certainly taking their tole.

"Uh, pardon me, but … uh," Alice called again. "Would you mind helping us, please?" Once again, it didn't work.

"Don't bother," I said to her flatly. "It's not going to work, anyway."

"Shut up, Pinocchio," Alice hissed. We then saw some lobsters swimming towards shore. "You-hoo! You-hoo! Help us! Please!"

A huge wave then capsized our bottle, and we were underwater for a few seconds. Thankfully we both stayed in the bottle, but not before it resurfaced and filled up with water. We both then peaked out of the top of the bottle to see if any land was near. When we did, we spotted shore and all of the animals who had been traveling by sea, along with some aquatic life, as well. And they were … running around in a circle? This day was just gonna keep getting weirder and weirder, wasn't it? Oh, and they were also singing … _again_.

 _Forward, backward, inward, outward_

 _Come and join the chase_

 _Nothing could be drier_

 _Than a jolly caucus race_

 _Backward, forward, outward, inward_

 _Bottom to the top_

 _Never a beginning, there can never be a stop_

 _To skipping, hopping, tripping_

 _Fancy, free, and gay_

 _Started it tomorrow_

 _But will finish yesterday_

' _Round and 'round and 'round we go_

 _Until forevermore_

 _For once we were behind_

 _But now we find we are be-_

Alice and I didn't get a chance to hear the rest because we were climbing out of the top of the bottle, but in the next second, another wave engulfed us. We both tumbled around in the water for a few seconds, and then we were on shore. I had landed upside-down next to the rock that the dodo was standing on and Alice had found herself being stepped on by the animals running around in the circle. Most unlucky for her that she landed right in their path.

"I say!" the dodo said. "You both will never get dry _that_ way."

"Get dry?" Alice said confused.

"Have to run with the others," he instructed. "First rule of a caucus race, you know."

"But how can we-" Alice didn't get to finish, because another wave came sploshing in. The next second, we both were running around in the caucus race. I had my hands in the air, for some odd reason. This was one of those moments in my life where I would wish that God would just take my life then and there.

"That's better," said the dodo, watching us in our humiliation. "Have you both dry in no time now." Which was true. When the wave had disappeared, both me and Alice were as dry as we were before we took a plunge. I call shenanigans.

"No one could _ever_ get dry _this_ way," Alice objected.

"Nonsense. Why I'm as dry as a bone already."

"Yes, but-" Another wave came splashing in our faces again and soon dispersed.

"Alright, chaps," the dodo said. "Look lively!"

Alice had somehow gotten herself on top of the toucan. Once again, it was very hard for me _not_ to laugh at her expense. But then we both spotted something.

"The white rabbit!" Alice pointed out. It truly was him. He must've used his umbrella as a boat and floated toward shore. "Mr. Rabbit! M-Mr. Rabbit."

"Oh my goodness," the rabbit cried, checking his watch. "I'm late!" He jumped out of his umbrella and began to run away.

"Oh don't go away!" Alice called.

 _Yes, please_ do _go away_ , I said to myself. _That way we won't have to deal with you anymore_.

"We'll be right there!" Alice climbed off the toucan, grabbed my hand, and we both began to follow the rabbit into a nearby forest. The dodo was yelling at us to not step out of the race, but we didn't listen.

"Mr. Rabbit!" Alice called as we entered the forest. "Oh Mr. Rabbit. Oh dear."

"Well, he's not here," I said, hoping to change Alice's mind about this whole rabbit chase thing. "Let's go back and start trying to find a way out of here." But before I could do that again, Alice grabbed me by the ear … _hard_.

"You're not going _anywhere_ until we've found that rabbit," she said loudly into my ear.

"Alice, the only place I let people grab me is by the tail," I said ticked off, pulling away and rubbing my ear. "And my ear is _not_ my tail." I pointed to my ear. I shouldn't have taken my hand off my ear because Alice grabbed at it again.

"YOU'RE HELPING ME FIND THAT RABBIT AND THAT'S _FINAL_!" she yelled, making my eardrums just about bleed.

"Okay! _Geez_!"

"Now, I'm sure he came this way. Do you suppose he could be hiding?"

"Don't know and don't care."

Alice began looking around behind the trees and behind the bushes.

"Hmm," she said to herself as she looked. "Not here. I wonder." She crawled into a log and I followed. But as we were searching, I had the funniest feeling that we were being followed. We soon crawled out the other end of the log. "No. I suppose he must have-" But when we turned around, I saw the most ridiculous looking twins I'd ever seen in my life. They were both wearing red pants, yellow shirts with white collars, big, blue bow ties, red caps with yellow flags on top of them, and black shoes. Alice gasped at the sight of them and I yelled in surprise.

"Why, what peculiar little figures," she said.

"You got _that_ right," I murmured to myself. We both walked closer to get a better look at them. Their collars had blue thread on them that spelled out their names.

"Tweedle Dee," Alice read, "and Tweedle Dum."

They certainly _did_ look dumb. Alice poked Tweedle Dum in the stomach and he made an annoying honking noise like an old car horn.

"If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay, you know," said one of them.

"If you think we're alive, you ought to speak to us," the other remarked. I looked at them as if these two were completely insane.

Then they started bouncing around on the log, making more obnoxious honking noises for one reason or another.

"That's logic," they said together once they were done. Whatever _that_ was, it was anything _but_ logic.

"Well," Alice said, "it's been nice meeting you. Goodbye." Finally, Alice was thinking logically. We both turned to go, but the Tweedles ran up and stood in our way.

"You're beginning backward," one of them said, and then they switched places.

"Aye, the first thing is to say …" the other continued, and then they began singing. _Why_!

" _How do you do" and shake hands_

 _Shake hands_

 _Shake hands_

" _How do you do" and shake hands_

 _State your name and business_

They both grabbed Alice's hands and started making her bounce around until she let go and fell on her butt.

"That's manners," they said together. I was about ready to knock these two unconscious if they didn't go away soon.

"Really," Alice said annoyed, flipping her blond hair back. I walked over to help her up. "Well my name is Alice and this is my friend Pinocchio, and we're following a white rabbit, so …." But, of course, before we could take another step, the two idiots got in our path again.

"You can't go yet," one of them insisted.

"No, the visit is just started," agreed the other.

"Does it look like we care!" I snapped.

"Pinocchio," Alice hissed, laying her hand on my shoulder as if telling me she would take care of this. "We're very sorry." They both ran into the bushed.

"Would you like to play hide-and-seek?" they said, appearing out of different places in the bushes. "Or button, button. Who's got the button?"

"No thank you," Alice said politely. Then they got in our way again. Forget knocking them out, I was about ready to throw them out of the forest.

"If you stay long enough, we might have a battle." They began bouncing and punching themselves. I couldn't contain my laughter anymore.

"Oh _please_ ," I said. "If you got into a battle with _me_ , I'd _totally_ win." I would've gladly beat the ever living crap out of them, but Alice then silenced me with a look.

"That's very kind of you," she said, "but we must be going." She then pushed them out of our way, and then they immediately jumped in front of us again.

"Why?" they asked.

"Because we're following the white rabbit," Alice explained, starting to sound annoyed.

"Why?" And again, they jumped in front of us.

"Well, we're curious to know where he's going."

"Well, _she's_ curious, I'm just following her to make sure she doesn't get hurt," I said, trying very hard not to lose my temper. "Now, if you'll excuse us before I go crazy and snap your guys' necks." We then began to walk away.

" _Oh_ , they're curious," they said together. "The oysters were curious, too, weren't they. Aye, and you remember what happened to them. Poor things." Alice then turned around and began to walk towards them.

"No, no," I hissed. "Alice, _don't_!" But too late. I had no choice but to follow her.

"Why?" she asked. "What happened to the oysters?"

"Oh, you both wouldn't be interested," the Tweedles said. Great, they were using reverse psychology on us.

"But we are," Alice insisted.

"No we're not," I murmured flatly.

"Shut up."

"Oh no," the Tweedles continued. "You both are in much too much of a hurry."

"Well, perhaps we could spare a little time."

I felt as though I was in _Metal Gear Solid_ and one of those exclamation points just went over my head.

"You could!" the Tweedles said excitedly. "Well …." They pushed us onto a log and we had no choice but to listen. "The walrus and the carpenter. Or the story of the curious oysters." They began bouncing and then began singing, _again_.

 _The sun was shining on the sea_

 _Shining with all its might_

 _He did his very best to make_

 _The billows smooth and bright_

 _And this was odd because it was_

 _The middle of the night…_

After that, I didn't pay much attention to the story. Something about a walrus and carpenter finding some oysters and the walrus eating them all. Then the carpenter went on a tyrannical rampage trying to kill the walrus. Again, this was another moment where I wish God would just take my life.

"That was a very sad story," Alice remarked.

"I wasn't paying attention to most of it, so I don't care," I piped up.

"And there's a moral to it," the Tweedles said.

"Oh yes, a very good moral, if you happen to be an oyster," Alice pointed out.

"Yeah," I said in a smart-alecky tone. "Don't talk to strangers, kids, or else they'll kill you."

"Well, it's been a very nice visit-" Alice and I got up to leave, finally, but then the Tweedles pushed us back down on the log again. You don't know how badly I wanted to break their arms.

"Another recitation entitled _Father William_!"

While those two were distracted with their little poem, Alice and I got up and left.

"Well _that_ happened," I remarked. "I'm just going to pretend that that never even happen."

Alice nodded in agreement, we both tracked on through the forest.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Hi everyone. Here's Chapter 2. Enjoy and please review._**


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- The White Rabbit's House and What Happened There

Once we got out of the forest, we found a pink house with a straw roof.

"Now I wonder who lives here?" Alice asked herself.

" _Who cares, Alice_!" I yelled, hoping to change Alice's mind, but she ignored me.

We walked up to the front gate of the house when we suddenly heard someone inside.

"Mary-Ann! Billy-Bob Joe Bob!" it called. "Why those two. Where'd they put the-" The shutters on the top floor opened. "Mary-Ann! Billy-Bob Joe Bob!"

"The rabbit!" Alice said with delight. For the first time, _I_ was happy to see the rabbit, too. That way, Alice could ask him whatever it was she wanted to ask him and we could finally get out of the freaky place.

"Mary-Ann," he called again. "Billy-Bob Joe Bob!" He closed the shutters.

As we walked up to the front door, the rabbit came running out.

"Excuse us, sir," Alice said, "but we've been trying to-"

"Why Mary-Ann! Billy-Bob Joe Bob!" the rabbit said, turning around to us. "What are you both doing out here?"

"Mary-Ann?" Alice said confused.

"Billy-Bob …. _What_?" I said even more bewildered. Where did this guy think I was from? Kentucky?

"Don't just do something; stand there," he ordered. "No, no! Go get my gloves! I'm late!"

"But late for what?" Alice asked. "That's just what I-"

"My gloves!" the rabbit said again, blowing the trumpet he had at us, forcing us inside his house. "At once! Do you both hear!"

"Dang," I said quietly.

"Goodness," Alice said. "I suppose I'll be taking orders from Dinah next."

"Alice, I would _love_ to see that."

We walked up the stairs and into the white rabbit's room.

"Hmm," Alice said to herself as she began to look through the rabbit's drawers. "Now, if _I_ were a rabbit, where would I keep my gloves?"

"Probably keeps it in his crap," I scoffed.

"Pinocchio, shut up." Alice then opened up a little jar. In it were cookies. "Oh, thank you. Don't mind if I do."

I then noticed something about the cookies: they all read _Eat me_ on them. I felt as though I'd received an electric shock. "Alice, _wait_ ," I hissed. But too late; Alice had already taken a bite out of one of the cookies.

"What?" she said, looking at me.

"Oh, never mind." I then stood back and prepared for the worst to happen.

Sure enough, as Alice was looking through a chest full of clothes, humming to herself, she began to get bigger.

"Oh no," she groaned. "Not again."

"I tried to warn you," I said. But then I noticed that Alice's foot was coming right at me. _No_! I could _not_ afford to be squished again.

I raced for the door and tried to open it. Too late; Alice's foot was pressing me against it. This was just _not_ my day.

The door then opened, and the white rabbit was looking at me annoyed, but then his expression turned to panic as he saw Alice's ginormous foot.

"Hi," I said awkwardly to him.

Alice's foot then went shooting out the door and down the stairs, with me getting stuck between her foot and the white rabbit. We then were out the door and in the rabbit's front yard, crashing into stuff. I crawled away from the debris, rubbing my head in pain. The white rabbit started running around in a frenzy, but when he turned to look at his house, that's when he _really_ freaked. I turned around to see what other damage Alice had done to the house. Her right foot was sticking out of the front door and her left foot had apparently crashed through the side of the house. Both her arms were sticking out of windows.

"HELP!" the white rabbit screamed. "MONSTER! HELP! ASSISTANCE!"

He then went running down the road, blowing his horn in attempt to call out for help.

Alice then tried pulling herself out of the house, but _that_ didn't work.

"Oh dear," she said to herself.

I propelled myself up to her. She opened up one of the two front shutters on the top floor so that she could see.

"Nice work," I whispered to her sarcastically. I then started laughing. I must've been laughing so hard that I didn't notice what Alice was doing. I suddenly felt a surging pain up my butt. Tears leaking out of my eyes, I turned around and saw that Alice was giving me possibly the most painful wedgie ever to be given, and all she was doing was pulling my underwear up a few inches. "Seriously?" I whimpered. Then she flicked my head with her giant finger on the side of my head, which felt like someone just shot me with a bazooka in the head. "Oh, come on, Alice!" We suddenly heard some voices. The rabbit must've been coming back. Alice let go of my underwear and closed the shutter. The rabbit came around the corner with the dodo. _Oh great_ , I said to myself.

"There it is!" the rabbit said, pointing to his house.

"By jove!" the dodo cried.

Alice then opened up the shutters again, this time both of them.

"Jolly well is," he continued.

"Well, do something," the rabbit said, his voice filled with panic, pushing the dodo toward the house.

"Yes, indeed. Extraordinary situation, but …" He started knocking on Alice's foot with his cane.

"B-B-B-But what?"

The dodo blew his nose. "But I have a very simple solution."

"Thank goodness," Alice said.

"Simply pull it out the chimney," the dodo finished.

"Pull it out!" the rabbit ordered, running toward the dodo.

"Who me! Don't be ridiculous. What we need is …" The dodo stopped. He looked as though he were thinking about this.

Suddenly, there was some whistling coming from down the road. Around the corner came …

"... a lizard with a ladder," the dodo said, finishing his thought.

It certainly _was_ indeed a lizard. He was green and he was wearing black cap, jacket, and pants, and a green shirt. And, of course, he was carrying a ladder.

"Oh!" the rabbit cried. "Bill! Bill!"

Bill heard him and waved at him with his cap in his hand.

"We need a ladder with a lizard," the rabbit stammered. "A lizard …. Can you help us?"

"At your service, governor," Bill responded.

"Hear me lad," the dodo said, putting his arm around Bill as if trying to win him over to solve this pointless problem. "Have you ever been down a chimney?"

"Why governor," Bill said, "I've been down more chiminey-"

"Excellent, excellent." The dodo set up Bill's ladder for him and pushed him on. "You just hop down that chimney and pull that monster out of there."

"Righto, governor." But as Bill climbed pass the window Alice was peering out of, he stopped and quickly looked in. "Monster!" His eyes were bulging.

"Hi," I said cheerfully. I was just doing my best not to be helpful in this situation whatsoever.

Bill screamed and ran down the ladder. He tried to run away, but the dodo and the rabbit grabbed onto his tail and had him climb back up the ladder. And, of course, when he spotted Alice, he panicked and ran back down.

"Hi again," I said right before he went running down again. I was enjoying myself too much right now.

The dodo then climbed up the ladder and caught Bill before he could make it to the bottom.

"You're passing up a golden opportunity," he said.

"I am?" Bill said, his eyes suddenly a light with amazement.

"You could be famous."

"I can?"

"Of course. There's a brave lad. In you go now." The dodo and Bill had made it to the top. "Nothing to it, old boy. Simply tie your tail around the monster's neck and drag it out."

"B-But governor…"

"Good luck, Bill."

The dodo must've pushed Bill straight down the chimney because the house suddenly filled with smoke at the next moment. And Alice looked as though she were about to sneeze.

 _Oh crap,_ I thought in a panic. _She's gonna blow_!

I quickly propelled myself off the window sill and hid behind Alice's foot with the rabbit. The next moment, Alice sneezed and Bill went flying out of the chimney and into the sky. We all watched him soar away.

"Well," the dodo said. "There goes Bill."

I propelled myself back up to the window sill.

"Poor Bill," Alice said, looking up at the sky.

"Yeah," I agreed. "Looks like you sneezed the poor guy up into the outer atmosphere. In other words, he _ain't_ coming back." I began to laugh at this, but then stopped when I saw that Alice was giving me a look that said _I-going-to-kill-you_ later.

"Umm," the dodo said, pulling out a match and lighting it against Alice's shoe. "Perhaps we should try a more energetic remedy."

"Yes," the rabbit said, pulling out his overly-enormous watch. "Anything! Anything, but hurry."

"I propose that we … uh …." The dodo stopped, clearly thinking hard. I just hoped that this next plan of his wasn't as hairbrained as the last.

"Just go on! Go on! Say it! Say it!"

"I propose that we … uh …." But then he screamed. Clearly he hadn't been paying attention to his match and it must've burned him a little. But then his eyes lit with inspiration.

"By jove!" he said delighted. "That's it! We'll burn your house down."

My stomach contracted.

"Yes," the rabbit said, clearly not paying attention to what the dodo just said. "Burn the house - WHAT!" It took him long enough.

"Oh no!" Alice cried.

"Yeah, we're up a creek," I said, folding my arms behind my head and leaning against the window sill. I wasn't being lazy; I was just waiting for the right moment for an idea to come along to help get us out of this.

Meanwhile, the dodo was singing, _again_ , but I didn't feel like paying attention at the moment. I'd heard enough singing from that guy's beak. But from what I could tell from what he was doing, he was taking different pieces of furniture from the rabbit's house and throwing them against the house in order to make more firewood. Didn't really know how this would solve anything, but then again, I didn't care. Eventually, they lit a match and smoke began to rise from the pile of broken objects.

"Oh dear," Alice said. "This is serious. I simply must find a way out of this."

I then looked out one of the open windows and saw a garden full of carrots. I suddenly got an idea.

"Alice," I hissed. I pointed out the window, and she saw the garden.

"Brilliant, Pinocchio!" she said. That was probably the first ever compliment she had ever given to me. "Perhaps if I eat something, it'll make me grow smaller." She reached for one of the carrots, but as she did, the rabbit came and jumped on one of the carrots, clearly not wanting Alice to ruin his garden, and I couldn't blame him. She'd already destroys his house, so he clearly didn't want him to destroy the next thing that was precious to him. But Alice was able to pull one out anyway. The rabbit began screaming as Alice pulled the carrot to her face. "I'm sorry," she said to the rabbit, "but I must eat something."

"Not _me_ ," the rabbit said angrily, "you-you barbaria-"

Alice didn't let him finish. She took a bite out of the carrot. After that, she began to shrink, and soon she was even smaller than before. I quickly grabbed ahold of the carrot and took a teeny little bite out of it. I then grew to the same size as Alice. I then propelled down toward her. She was in the rabbit's room, next to the chest she had tried to open.

"You okay?" I asked. She nodded.

"Come on," she said, getting up. She ran out of the room, but then paused at the top of the stairs.

When I joined her, I could see what she meant: there was no way she'd be able to get to the bottom. I then got another idea. I propelled myself above her.

"Take my hands," I instructed.

She did, and I flew ourselves down the stairs and to the front door. Alice then took off after the rabbit, who was heading back into the forest, and I, of course, was trailing behind her. We soon ran passed the dodo who was still trying to start the fire.

"Ah, young lady," he said to Alice, when he spotted her. "Do _you_ have a match?"

"No," Alice answered politely. "I-I'm sorry, but - Mr. Rabbit!"

"Alice!" I yelled. "Wait up!"

"Ah, young man," the dodo said. "Do _you_ have a match?"

"Don't know, don't care," I said in a less polite manner.

I then followed Alice into the deep undergrowth of the plants. As I did, I could tell that the rabbit was going to have to call the fire department once the dodo was done with his plan.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Hi everyone. Here's the next chapter. Also, something I want to establish: I was just joking about that whole Kentucky thing in this chapter. I'm not trying to be offensive or anything to anyone who is reading this in Kentucky. I was just being silly. Have a nice day and please leave a review._**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 4 - A Moment with Some Rude Flowers

"Wait!" Alice yelled as the rabbit jumped into the forest. "Please! Just a minute!"

We then started pushing our way through the thick stems and leaves.

"Oh dear," Alice said to herself as we entered into a clearing. "We'll never catch him while we're _this_ small."

"Yeah," I said, catching up to her. "No kidding."

Suddenly, the weirdest looking butterflies flew over us. Their wings looked like they were made of toast.

"Why," Alice whispered. "What curious butterflies."

"You mean _bread_ butterflies," said a woman's voice.

"Well yes," Alice said, not paying attention. "Of course. I-" Then she stopped and turned around to see who had spoken. She first looked at me.

"Don't look at me," I said, throwing my hands up. "I didn't say anything."

We both then turned around to the flowers that were behind us.

"Now, who do you suppose?" Alice asked herself.

Then suddenly, _another_ strange thing came flying up to us. It looked like a tiny, flying rocking horse.

"Horsefly," Alice said, but then corrected herself, "I mean, uh, _rocking_ horsefly."

"Naturally," said the voice again.

"Again, that wasn't me," I quickly said, throwing my hands up again.

"I beg your pardon, but, uh … did you …." Alice stammered, looking towards the flowers. She then looked as though it hit her. "Oh, that's nonsense," she said to herself. "Flowers can't talk."

"But of _course_ we can talk, my dear," said a friendly-looking rose, leaning down toward us.

"Holy crap, now the flowers can talk," I said in a slightly panicked voice.

"If there's anyone worth talking to," said a snooty looking purple tulip.

"Or about," said on overly-happy daisy.

"And we sing, too," said a bunch of little, different colored flowers who, I suppose, were supposed to be children.

"You do?" Alice asked curiously.

 _Great,_ more _singing_ , I thought.

"Oh yes," said some tulips. "Would you like to hear 'Tell it to the Tulip'?

"Uh, _no_ ," I said under my breath.

"No, let's sing about us," said a bunch of blue looking flowers that I had no idea what they were, but, then again, didn't care.

" _No_ , let's _not_ ," I said as if repeating what they said in a more mocking way.

"We know the one about the Shy Little Violet," said some shy little violets.

"Thanks, but no thanks," I muttered.

Then a bunch of other flowers started talking and squabbling over what they should sing. I couldn't understand what they were saying in the slightest. Eventually, the rose quieted them all with her wacking her baton.

"Girls!" she said loud enough for them to all shut up. "We shall sing 'Golden Afternoon.' That's about _all_ of us," she said as side note to Alice and I.

Alice sat down very daintily in a leaf-looking seat, while I just flopped down into my seat. I just hoped that this song wouldn't be as 'The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.' All the flowers began to vocalize, then they started to sing.

 _Little bread-and-butterflies kiss the tulips_

 _And the sun is like a toy balloon_

 _There are get-up-in-the-morning glories_

 _In the golden afternoon_

 _There are dizzy daffodils on the hillside_

 _Strings of violets are all in tune_

 _Tiger lillies love the dandelions_

 _In the golden afternoon_

 _The golden afternoon_

 _There are dog and caterpillars and a copper centipede_

 _Where the lazy daisies love the very peaceful life_

 _They lead …_

 _You can learn a lot of things from the flowers_

 _For especially in the month of June_

 _There's a wealth of happiness and romance_

 _All in the golden afternoon …_

After that whole spiel, the flowers got into some instrumental stuff that I pretty much ignored. Then the rose whispered something to those weird butterfly things and they came flying over to then dragged her over to the kid flowers from before. I suppose they wanted her to sing with them. So I guess I was chop liver to the flowers …. On well. I didn't want to sing anyway. But this was going to be _priceless_ with Alice. I prepared myself to laugh at her expense.

 _You can learn a lot of things from the flowers_

 _For especially in the month of June_

 _There's a wealth of happiness and romance …_

But then her voice broke. I would've laughed if it hadn't sounded so weird. In fact, it strangely didn't even sound … _human_. But then the flowers finished up singing.

 _All in the golden afternoon!_

Then they did this big instrumental finish with drums and cymbals. Alice then clapped for the flowers' performance.

"Oh that was lovely," Alice congratulated, running over to the rose.

"Yeah, I'll admit, that wasn't all that bad," I said honestly.

"Thank you, my dears," the rose said.

"What kind of garden do you both come from?" the daisy asked.

"Oh we don't come from any garden," Alice explained.

"Do you suppose they're wild flowers?" it said to the tulip.

"Oh no," Alice laughed. "We're not wild flowers."

"Just what specie or, shall we say, genus are you both, my dears?" the rose asked.

Oh great, they were talking science. Well, time for me to stop paying attention.

"Well, I suppose you'd call me a genus humanus Alice," Alice said as if quickly trying to make up her mind.

"And what about you?" the rose asked, turning toward me.

"I'm an undiscovered type of plant that has no name yet," I said sarcastically. "But you may call me Pinocchio."

"Ever see an Alice and Pinocchio with blossoms like _that_ ," the daisy said, pointing.

"Come to think of it, did you ever _see_ and Alice or Pinocchio," the tulip said snobbishly.

"Yes," said the daisy. "And did you notice their petals? What peculiar colors."

Alice looked down at her dress. The tulip then leaned over and sniffed Alice's hair and then took a whiff of me. I had to hold onto my hat to make sure it didn't get sucked up her nose.

"And no fragrances," she said.

The daisy then lifted up Alice's dress and my gi.

"Just look at those stems," she said pointing.

"Rather scrawny, I'd say," the tulip remarked. Alice and I smacked the daisy's hands away.

"I think they're pretty," said a little rosebud.

"Quiet bud," said the rose, covering the bud's mouth.

"But we're not flowers," Alice blurted out.

"Aha!" the tulip exclaimed. "Just as I suspected." She then leaned over to the rose and whispered in her ear, "They're nothing but common mobile vulgaris."

"Oh no!" cried some other flowers.

"A common what?" Alice asked. Finally, both she and I were confused about something.

"To put it bluntly - _weeds_!" the tulip said, sneering.

Even I was offended.

"We're not weeds," Alice objected.

The flowers then started whispering amongst themselves.

"Go on, now," one of them said, pushing us away.

"Please, go!" the rose said.

"We don't want weeds in our bed!" said the flower kids, pushing us away.

All the flowers began shoving us out of the garden. When we got to the edge, both Alice and I were officially ticked.

"All right, if _that's_ the way you feel about it!" Alice yelled, stamping her foot. "If I were my right size, I could pick _every_ one of you, if I had to."

"And _I'd_ spray you all with herbicides," I added.

Alice nodded in agreement. "And I guess _that_ would teach you-"

But then a huge torrent of water came cascading on us, washing us away. Apparently one of the daffodils had poured water on us from one of the leaves. Alice and I washed up on a leaf and continued to wash away. As we did, the flowers laughed at us. Alice then grabbed onto a nearby stem of a plant that (thank goodness) _wasn't_ alive. We then climbed off the leaf, both of us soaking wet.

"You okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," Alice said, wringing the water from her dress. I took off my hat and wrung the water out of it. " 'You can learn a lot of things from the flowers,'" she mumbled angrily. "Seems to me _they_ could learn a few things about manners."

"No kidding." As I watched Alice dry herself off, I decided to be nice, since she had had such a crappy day. "By the way, you actually have a pretty good voice."

"Thanks," Alice said appreciatively.

I smiled, but I still couldn't get over that moment when her voice broke. Seriously, what _was_ that?

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hi everyone. Sorry this one came so late. I was busy with school stuff. Anyway, enjoy and please review**_


	6. Chapter 5- A High Caterpillar

Chapter 5 - A High Caterpillar

After Alice and I had gotten ourselves dried off, something caught both of our eyes. There were a bunch of letters floating around in the air. At first, I thought it was just another weird quirk about this world, random letters flying around, but then I noticed that they were made out of smoke. Someone must've been doing this. And before I could stop her, Alice started walking towards where the letters were coming from. And I reluctantly followed.

After wandering around the underbush for a while, we found our target: it was a blue caterpillar, smoking a hookah and singing. Now I'd seen everything. We both walked up to it. Alice smiled at it while I just gave it an _IDGAC_ look.

When it was done singing, I remarked snarkily, "Great work. You know your vowels." That finally got its attention.

It took a deep breath and said, "Who are you?" When it did, an O, an R, and a U came flying out of its mouth.

 _Your butt_ , I said to myself.

"Well, I - I hardly know, sir," Alice said. Great, she was going to make this confusing. "I changed so many times since this morning, you see."

"I do not _see_ ," the caterpillar said, a smoky C flying out of his mouth. "Explain yourself."

"Well, I'm afraid I _can't_ explain myself, sir. Because I'm not myself, you know."

"I do _not_ know." A smoky knot came floating from his mouth.

"Well I can't put it anymore clearly for it isn't clear to _me_."

" _Oh my gosh_!" I yelled, finally having enough of this bru-ha-ha. "Just tell him who you are already, for Pete's sake!"

Alice gave me an angry look and almost pushed against my face, nearly making me fall of the mushroom we were on.

" _You_?" the caterpillar said, more letters flying out of his mouth. "Who are you?"

"Well, don't you think you ought to tell me-" Alice then started coughing because one of the smoky letters hit her in the face. I snickered at her expense. "- _who_ you are first?"

" _Why_?" he asked, a _Y_ floating out of his mouth.

"Oh dear," Alice said, sitting down on the mushroom. I joined her by sitting on the edge. "Everything is so confusing."

"It is _not_ ," the caterpillar said as he climbed onto a leaf, another smoky knot flying out of his mouth.

"Well it is to me."

" _Why_?" I don't think I need to say what came flying out of his gob next.

"Well, I can't remember things as I use to, and-"

"Recite!" What came out of its mouth this time, I had no idea. "You, boy! You go first."

Oh man! What was I going to recite? The only poetry I knew was Shel Silverstein, and the last few times I had to recite it did _not_ go well. I was forced to recite some form of poetry for some guest that came over to the Kingsleighs. The first one I did was the "Captain Hook" poem, then the "Hard to Please" one. Both had ended up making me look like a complete loser, and, unfortunately, I failed at saying "Hard to Please" in one breath. I had to think of a good Shel Silverstein poem this time, but what? Then it hit me. I cleared my throat.

"Okay," I breathed, and began: -

 _This morning I jumped on my horse_

 _And went out for a ride,_

 _And some wild outlaws chased me_

 _And they shot me in the side._

 _So I crawled into a wildcat's cave_

 _To find a place to hide,_

 _But some pirates found me sleeping there,_

 _And soon they had me tied_

 _To a pole and built a fire_

 _Under me - I almost cried_

 _Till a mermaid came and cut me loose_

 _And begged to be my bride,_

 _So I said I'd come back Wednesday_

 _But I must admit I lied -_

"STOP!" the caterpillar yelled. "Enough. Not another word please."

Dang it! Another failure.

"You, girl. You go."

"Oh, oh!" Alice said, as if she just noticed what we were doing. "Oh yes sir." She then began.

 _How doth the little busy bee_

 _Improve each shining-_

"STOP!" the caterpillar yelled again. Alice looked a little downtrodden. "That is not spoken correctly. It goes …"

 _I have a stick up my butt the size of the Florida panhandle_ , I thought snarkily, but then he started properly.

 _How …_

But then he stopped. He then noticed that his hookah had stopped working, but then he saw that his extra set of hands were holding onto the tube, and he slapped them off. Alice giggled and I snickered at the caterpillar's expenses. He didn't look to happy about that though, and then he started again.

 _How doth the little crocodile_

 _Improve his shining tail_

 _And pour the waters of the Nile_

 _On every golden scale._

 _How cheer-_

He stopped again, and his body began to shake. At first, I thought he was having a seizure, but then I noticed that his back legs were hanging off the side of the leaf he climbed up on. He pulled them up, making disapproving grunts. Alice and I both laughed again, but then we stopped when he looked at us. He then continued his spiel.

 _How cheerfully he seems to grin;_

 _How neatly spreads his claws,_

 _And welcomes little fishies in_

 _With a gently, smiling jaws …._

Well, it wasn't Emily Dickinson, but I'd give or take it.

"Well, I must say, I've never heard it _that_ way before," Alice commented.

"I know," the caterpillar said. "I have impr _o_ ved it." Two smokey O's came flying out of his mouth and hit Alice in the face, which made her cough.

"Well," she said after coughing. "If you ask me-"

" _You_?" the caterpillar said, suddenly becoming angry. " _Who are you_!"

A bunch of letters came flying out of his mouth, engulfing our faces, making us both cough.

"Dude!" I coughed. "Not cool! Who _does_ that?"

Alice sneezed, sending both of us flying off the mushroom. We both got up, made disgruntled noises, and then left. I first spat at the insect before leaving. If this guy was going to be a snotty jerk, then why should we be here?

"You there!" we heard him call after us. "Children! Wait! Come back! I have something important to say!"

"Oh dear," Alice said, turning around. "I wonder what he wants _now_?"

"Who cares," I said stubbornly. "I'm not going back there unless he's going to apologize to us."

"Well, maybe he is," Alice said pointedly.

"Not likely."

"Come on, Pinocchio. Please?"

I gave Alice a disapproving look, but then gave in.

So we went back, which required us to walk through the underbrush _again_. At one point, Alice got stuck trying to push some stems out of the way, but I easily moved them with one hand and my awesome robot strength. We eventually made it back to the caterpillar, who was lying on his back smoking again. We both folded our arms and gave ticked off looks at him, just to make it look like we meant business.

"Well?" Alice said impatiently.

"Keep your temper," he said, finally pulling the hookah out of his mouth.

"Is that all?" Alice asked angrily.

"No." He sat up, got in a sitting position (I think; I don't know, I couldn't tell anything from this guy anymore), and faced us. "Exactly, what is your problem?" He had said "exactly" in a weird way. Alice attempted to say it the way he did, but failed.

"Well, it's precisely this," she explained. "We should like to be a little larger, sir."

"Why?"

"Well, after all, three inches is such a wretched height, and-"

Alice had said the wrong thing, because the caterpillar then totally lost it.

" _I_ AM EXACTLY _THREE_ INCHES HIGH-"

"Okay, dude," I mumbled in a squeaky voice after he leaned straight down and blew smoke in our face. "No need to get angry."

"-AND IT IS A VERY GOOD HEIGHT, INDEED!"

He then started furiously smoking on the hookah so many times that he became engulfed by the smoke.

"But we're not use to it!" Alice yelled. "And you don't need to SHOUT!"

Apparently, Alice had yelled so loudly that she made the smoke blow away. When it cleared, the caterpillar had disappeared. All that was left was his outer skin, his hands and his shoes. And I thought Oogie Boogie's death was crazy.

"Oh dear," Alice said quietly, picking up one of the caterpillar's shoes.

"You're a murderer," I said in a dramatic, hoarse voice.

Alice was about to elbow me in the face when we both heard a voice.

"By the way, I have a few more helpful hints!"

We both looked around wildly for a few moments, but then saw that the caterpillar had turned into a butterfly. I guess Alice _hadn't_ murdered him after all.

"One side will make you grow taller-" he shouted.

"One side of what?" Alice asked.

"-and the other side will make you grow shorter!"

"The other side of what!" Alice called again, and once again that was a pretty dumb move on her part.

The butterfly flew down angrily in our faces and yelled, "A MUSHROOM OF COURSE!" He then flew away.

"Someone needs anger management classes," I mumbled.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hi everyone. Sorry this one's a little late. School and me being lazy. Anyway, happy late Halloween, or happy Day of the Dead if there's anyone reading this in Mexico. Another thing, I don't own "True Story". That is owned by Shel Silverstein and HarperCollins. Enjoy and please review.**_


	7. Chapter 6: This Bird is NOT the Word

Chapter 6- This Bird is NOT the Word

After the butterfly flew away, Alice looked down at the mushroom we were sitting on. She then picked off two pieces of it, one from different sides of the mushroom.

"One side will make us-" she started, but then paused. She shrugged thoughtfully. "But which is which?"

My only worry was that this mushroom wasn't poisonous. And that Alice would actually _use_ her head for once.

She then looked as though she were going to put the mushroom pieces down.

"After all that's happened, I-," she said to herself, "I wonder if I … I don't care."

Before I could stop her, Alice ate a huge chunk of one of the mushroom pieces. I began flailing my arms and making weird, breathy noises to contain my disbelief. After a while, I managed to blurt out, "ARE YOU CRAZY!"

"Pinocchio, please," she said annoyed. "I'm tired of being only three inches high-"

Then, before one could say, "You jinxed it,", Alice began to grow at a rapid rate. She soon got so big that her head was sticking out from the tops of the trees. I propelled myself up to her ginormous face.

"I told you so," I said snarkily, and then began sniggering. I was laughing so hard that I almost didn't notice Alice's hand trying to swat at me. I had to fly out of the way multiple times to avoid the blows. "Okay, okay! Geez!"

Then, there was a sudden screaming from above.

"A serpent!" the voice screeched. It was a bird with a pink bonnet and glasses, and she did _not_ look happy. Apparently, Alice had grown so large that she accidentally got this bird's nest stuck in her hair. The bird then began to fly around, screaming about Alice being a serpent.

"Oh, but - please! Please!" Alice tried to reason with the bird, but _that_ didn't work.

"Off with you!" the bird yelled. "Shoo! Shoo! Go away! SERPENT! SERPENT!"

"But I'm not a serpent!" Alice said.

The bird then stopped flying around in its frantic state.

"Indeed?" she said skeptically. "Then, just what _are_ you?"

"I'm just a little girl."

"Little? LITTLE!" The bird began to laugh at Alice's statement.

"Well, I _am_! I - I mean, I _was_."

"Yeah, before you decided _not_ to use your head again," I muttered. I then had to dodge another swat from Alice.

" _And_ I suppose you don't eat _eggs, either_?" the bird asked angrily.

 _Please don't say yes_ , I begged silently. Please _don't say yes._

"Yes, I _do_ , but - but - but," Alice stammered, but the bird kept interrupting her. I was just about done with this girl

"I knew it!" the bird screeched. "I _knew_ it! SERPENT! SERPEEEEEEEENT!" The bird then began to fly around Alice's head frantically. I had to get out of its way a couple of times to avoid collision with it.

"Oh, for goodness sake!" Alice yelled, just about having enough of this bird's crap. She then looked at both of the mushroom pieces that she still had in her hand thoughtfully. Her eyes then brightened. "And the other side will …." She then ate a piece from the other mushroom part that she had. Two seconds later, Alice began to shrink as fast as she had grown. I zoomed downward to meet up with her. And I honestly didn't even cared if the bird was okay or not.

When I found her, she had fallen on her butt, but was, thankfully, okay.

"Goodness," she breathed, getting up. "I wonder if I'll ever get the knack of it."

"How about this time you _use your brain_!" I said, pointing at my head.

Alice gave me a murderous look, but then went back to the mushrooms. She looked at them in silence for a few moments and then spoke.

"That's it!" she cried. "Pinocchio, get over here and lick this thing with me.

I gave Alice a look that was both disgusted and that said _have-you-lost-your-mind_.

"Just do it," she hissed.

Shrugging, I walked over to her.

"If I get sick, it's going to be _your_ fault," I said moodily.

We both then licked the piece of mushroom. And, just like Mario, we both grew back to our regular size.

"There, that's _much_ better," Alice said happily. She then eyed the mushrooms. "Hmm, better save these." She put the mushroom pieces in her apron pockets.

"Yeah, and you should probably stop ticking people off today," I said snarkily and began laughing. But then I felt a sudden pain in my nose and noticed that Alice was twisting it. I pulled away quickly. "Ow! My nose!" I had to hold my nose, making me yell in that type of voice that people make when they're holding their nose.

"'Ow, my nose,'" Alice mocked.

Now I was seething with anger. "You know, Alice," I said, "one of these days, I'm going to give you a wedgie and we're going to _both_ be in trouble."

"How would _I_ be in trouble?"

"Because _you_ would be the one who would provoke me to do it!"

"Then I'll just twist your nose again."

"Stuck up!"

"Idiot!"

"Brat!"

"Moron!"

We continued to squabble as we walked deeper into the forest.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hi everyone. Sorry this one is so late. School, once again, got in the way. Enjoy and happy Thanksgiving**_


	8. Chapter 7: A Psychedelic Cat

Chapter 7 - A Psychedelic Cat

We eventually stopped bickering the crap out of each other and went back to trying to figure out where the heck we were supposed to go next.

"Now let's see," Alice said to herself, "where were we?"

"What do you mean, 'Where were we'!" I said ticked off. "All we've been doing is wandering around this forsaken forest like a couple of freaking blind dogs!"

Alice began to stare daggers at me, so I decided to stop talking.

We then began passing by some trees, each one a different color. They also all had signs on them that didn't provide any help to our situation whatsoever. They mostly said things like, "Up", "This way", "Yonder", and "That way". Were these signs designed by some drunken idiot?

"Hmm," Alice mumbled. "I wonder which way we ought to go."

"Well, these signs ain't helping," I said pointedly.

Suddenly, we both heard singing from … all around us. And they were singing possibly the most _ridiculous_ song I'd heard compared to all the others I'd heard that day.

 _Twas brillig, and the slithy tove_

 _Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:_

 _All mimsy were the borogoves,_

 _And she mome raths outgrabe …._

Either these woods were haunted by some insane ghost or those mushrooms we both licked were starting to kick in.

"Now _where_ in the world do you suppose that -"

But before Alice could finish, a voice sounded from behind.

"Lose something?"

We both jumped and turned around. I just about crapped, and what I saw after that once again almost made me go number two. It was a grin, just floating in midair above a tree branch. Alice began laughing nervously and stammering.

"Oh, that's quite all right," the smile said. "One moment please."

Two eyeball then appeared.

"Second chorus," the thing said as its body began to appear completely. It was a cat, but its body was a lavanderish color with purple stripes. Its mouth, tail and paws were pink and there was some purple fur surrounding its eyes. It began to sing again.

"Why - why your a cat," Alice said in awe.

"A _cheshire_ cat," he corrected. He then started singing again, but began to disappear.

"Oh wait!" Alice cried. "Don't go! Please!"

 _No,_ please _go,_ I said to myself.

"Very well," the cat said, reappearing. "There you go."

"Oh, no, no, no, thank you, but," Alice said, "but I just wanted to ask you which way we ought to go."

"Well, _that_ depends on _where_ you want to get to."

"Oh, it really doesn't matter. As long as we -"

I was about to burst with anger. Once again, Alice was making things more difficult than they ought to be. She could've just asked, "Which way did the White Rabbit go?" but _no_ ; she had to make it ridiculously hard and stupid.

"Then, it really doesn't matter which way you go."

The cat jumped off the tree and disappeared. But then we saw his paw prints appear in the ground. They went from the tree he was sitting on, around us, and stopped at the roots of another tree. All the while, he was singing his stupid song. He then appeared on a branch in the tree where his paw prints stopped.

"Oh, by the way," he said as he appeared, "if you'd really like to know, he went _that_ way." He pointed his finger to a pathway that when off to the right.

Both Alice and I looked in that direction.

"Who did?" Alice asked.

"The White Rabbit," the cat answered.

"He did!" Alice said with delight. I was equally happy so that we could find that rabbit and _finally_ get the heck out of here.

"He did what?"

"Went that way."

"Who did?"

"The White Rabbit!" Alice was starting to get annoyed. I giggled a little at this.

"What rabbit?"

"But didn't you just say - I mean - oh dear." She turned her back to the weird feline, giving up on this conversation. I even had to admit that _I_ was getting annoyed with this guy not helping us.

"Can you stand on your head?" he asked. When we both turned around, we saw that the cat was literally standing on his head. Alice scoffed in annoyance.

"No," I said, finally unable to contain _my_ annoyance anymore, "but I _can_ take your tail and wrap it around your neck!"

"However, if _I_ were looking for a white rabbit," he said, getting off his head and putting it back on his neck (I guess my threat didn't faze him), "I'd ask the Mad Hatter."

"Mad Hatter?" Alice and I turned around to see a sign that read _Mad Hatter_ , which was pointing to a road that was going southeast. "N-n-no, I-I don't-"

"Or there's the March Hare in _that_ direction." He pointed to the path that was going southwest. Well, at least _this_ guy sounded promising.

"Thank you. I think we shall visit him." We both began to head down that road when-

"Of course, he's mad, too."

Alice and I turned around, both of us downtrodden

"But we don't want to go among _mad_ people," Alice said.

"Oh, you can't help that," the cheshire cat said in a would-be sympathetic voice. "Most everyone's mad here." He then laughed as if laughing at what he said like it was some joke. "You both may have noticed that _I'm_ not all there myself." The cat then disappeared, singing his song. He didn't reappear. I supposed he had left for somewhere else this time.

"Goodness," Alice said to herself. "If the people here are like _that_ , I-I must try not to upset them."

" _Exactly_ ," I said snarkily.

Alice then punched me in the face.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hey everyone. Hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. Enjoy and please leave a review**_


	9. Chapter 8: A Crappy Tea Party

Chapter 8 - A Crappy Tea Party

After recovering from Alice slugging me in the face and wondering around some more, we came across a huge white house with a straw roof and a hedge fenced-in backyard.

"How very curious," Alice said to herself.

We walked over to the back gate and took a peek inside. It was hard to tell what was happening because there was so much steam, but it looked as though someone was having a party. We walked through the gate, and after peeking around a big armchair, we saw something that made both of our jaws drop. There were teapots everywhere, and they were all _dancing_ and making annoying tooting noises. Not like farting-tooting; more like train whistle-tooting.

We tried to get a good look at the two guys sitting at the end of the table, but there was too much steam from the teapots hanging around, so we had to look in between the handles of pots. At the end of the table was a elderly gentleman wearing a green top hat. He must've been the Mad Hatter guy the Cheshire Cat mentioned. The other was a big hare wearing a red suit. My guess was that he was the March Hare dude. They were both singing, but their song was so annoying that I had to tune it out again. After they were done singing, Alice clapped for them, thus getting their attention.

"No room!" they kept saying over and over as they tumbled towards us.

"But we thought there was plenty of room," Alice said reasonably.

"Ah, but it's very rude to sit down without being invited," said the March Hare pointedly.

"I'll say it's rude," the Mad Hatter agreed. "It's very, _very_ rude indeed."

"Very, very rude indeed," said a doormouse sleepily who had stuck his head out of the teapot he was in. I had noticed him in the trio's opening number.

"Oh, we're very sorry," Alice apologized, "but we did enjoy your singing, and I was wondering if you could tell us-" I was kind of ticked that Alice was including me in "enjoying their singing."

"You enjoyed our singing!" the March Hare said delightfully, getting in our faces.

" _She_ did," I pointed out. " _I_ didn't."

"Oh, what delightful children," the Mad Hatter said, accidentally getting his elbow stuck in a teacup. Clearly he hadn't listened to what I had said. "We never get company. You both must have a cup of tea."

"Ah, yes, indeed," the March Hare said, pouring us some tea out of a teapot that made a saucer and teacup magically appear. "You both must have a cup of tea."

"That would be very nice," Alice said.

"No thanks," I said as the March Hare offered me a cup. "I'm actually allergic to tea." Which _was_ true. When the scientist at The Academy put the human gene in me, they wanted me to be allergic to something so that I would seem more human. So they chose tea. Don't ask me why; I don't know.

"We're sorry we interrupted your birthday party," Alice said apologetically. The March Hare handed her the teacup. "Thank you." But then he instantly took it away from her.

" _Birthday_!" he said as though Alice had mortally offended him. "My dear children, this is _not_ a birthday party."

"Of course not," the Mad Hatter said. He began pouring tea into the collar of his shirt and it magically came out of his sleeve and into his teacup. "This is an _un_ birthday party."

" _Un_ birthday?" Alice said confused. I was equally befuddled. I was starting to feel like Peter in _Family Guy_ when those barbershop quartet guys were singing the "Vasectomy Song." "Well, we're sorry, but we don't quite understand." The March Hare handed Alice another cup of tea, but then, once again, yanked it away from her.

"It's very simple," he explained. "Now thirty day - no wait …." He scratched his head with one of his ears. "An unbirthday: if you have a birthday, then you …." He stopped again and began chuckling. "They don't know what an unbirthday is," he said to the Mad Hatter.

"I'm pretty sure _nobody_ would know what an unbirthday is except for you two dorks," I said under by breath.

"How silly," the Mad Hatter laughed. He was about to explain, but then random bubbles came out of his mouth. He started coughing, but then took a teapot, squeezed it, and some powdery stuff came out. "I shall elucidate," he finished. "Now the physics proved that you've _one_ birthday."

"That's it," the March Hare joined in. "Just one birthday every year."

"Ah, but there are three hundred and sixty-four unbirthdays."

"Precisely, which is why we're gathered here each year."

"Well then, today's _my_ unbirthday, too," Alice said, jumping out of her seat. I gave her a horrified _what-are-you-doing_ look.

"It is!" the March Hare said excitedly.

"What a small world this is," the Mad Hatter said in agreement.

"In _that_ case."

The March Hare and the Mad Hatter jumped in front of us and began dancing and singing around us.

 _A very merry unbirthday!_

 _To me?_

 _To you!_

 _A very merry unbirthday!_

 _For me?_

 _For you!_

 _Now blow the candle out, my dear, and make your wish come true._

Alice was handed a big, blue cake and blew out the candle. Then the cake turned into a comet (I guess) and flew up into the air, where it exploded. The Mad Hatter and March Hare finished the song as this happened.

 _A very, merry unbirthday to yoooooou!_

After the cake exploded, the doormouse appeared from the smoke and began reciting some nursery rhyme as he floated down back to earth. I couldn't hear what he was saying though, but I didn't care. He floated back into the teapot it was in before, and the Mad Hatter placed the lid on it.

Alice clapped for the show.

"Oh, that was lovely," she said.

"No it wasn't," I said under my breath again. I wasn't sure if, during the song, I should've shot myself in the face or sucked on a gas pipe. Alice elbowed me in the ribs hard.

"And, uh," the Mad Hatter said, "and now, my dears, you were saying that you would like to seek, pardon me." He took a bite out of the plate that he was dipping into his cup of tea. _That_ wasn't going to settle well in his stomach. "You both were seeking some information of some kind."

"Oh yes," Alice said as the March Hare handed her another cup of tea. "You see, we were looking for a-"

"CLEAN CUP! CLEAN CUP! MOVE DOWN!" The Mad Hatter grabbed hold of Alice's hand and started pulling her down the table, which required me to get up and follow them. We soon took our seats.

"Would you like a little more tea?" the Mad Hatter asked, pouring three cups of tea with a teapot with three spouts.

"Well, I haven't had any yet," Alice said, trying to pour tea out of a teapot that didn't have a spout, something that she hadn't noticed, "so I very well can't take anymore."

"Ah, you mean you can't very well take any _less_ ," the March Hare said, taking the teapot out of Alice's hand and cracking it open like an egg. I had just about enough of these guys crappy shenanigans.

"Yes," the Mad Hatter agreed, pouring _way_ too much sugar into Alice's tea. "You can always take more than nothing."

"But I only meant that-" Alice tried to drink some of the tea, but got sugar all over her face. I had to stuff my whole fist in my mouth to prevent myself from laughing.

"And now, my dears, something seems to be troubling you."

 _Yeah, you guys_ , I thought, starting to get a migraine from these guys' stupidity.

"Won't you tell us all about it?" the Hatter asked.

"Start at the beginning," the Hare said.

"Yes, and when you come to the end … stop."

"Well, it all started while we were sitting on the riverbank with Dinah," Alice began. I was about to yell in annoyance when the March Hare interrupted me.

" _Very_ interesting. Who's Dinah?" He began panting like some idiot dog.

"Why Dinah's my cat. You see-"

But at that moment, the doormouse popped out of his teapot and began running around the table frantically. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare began running after him. They eventually caught him, but with much difficulty.

"Get the jam!" the March Hare yelled.

Alice grabbed a nearby jar of jam and brought it over to the mouse. She applied it to his nose, which seemed to calm him down. He then fell back asleep in his teapot.

"Oh, my goodness," the Mad Hatter huffed. "Those are the things that upset me."

"See all the trouble you both started!" the Hare said annoyed, pouring tea between his ears and into a teacup, then snipping the tea to make it stop like scissors.

"Hey, _I_ didn't do anything!" I objected. " _She_ was the one who set him off." Alice gave me a _thanks-for-throwing-me-under-the-bus_ look.

"Really, I didn't think that-" Alice started to explain.

"Ah, but that's the point," the Hare went on. "If you don't think, then you shouldn't talk."

"They _do_ have a point, you know," I whispered, having too much experience with that. Alice glared at me again as she sat down with a new cup of tea, but then-

"CLEAN CUP!" the Mad Hatter screamed. "CLEAN CUP! MOVE DOWN! MOVE DOWN! MOVE DOWN!" He grabbed Alice's cup out of her hands, threw it away, and then began pulling Alice by the hand.

"But I still haven't used-" Alice objected as she was being pushed by the Hare.

"And now, my dear," the Hatter said when we sat back down, "as you were saying."

"Oh, yes. We were sitting on the riverbank with - uh -" Alice leaned over to the Hatter's ear. "-with you-know-who."

"I DO!"

"I mean my _c_ - _a_ - _t_."

"TEA!" The Hatter grabbed a teapot.

"Just half a cup, if you don't mind," the Hare said, cutting a cup in half and then allowing it to be filled with tea.

"Come, come, my dear. Don't you care for tea?" The Mad Hatter poured the tea he had in his teacup into the teapot and started drinking out of that. Gross.

"Why yes, I'm very fond of tea, but-" Alice began explaining. I was just amazed that these guys had remembered my mentioning of my tea allergy.

"If you don't care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation," the March Hare said, drinking out of his half-cup.

"Well, I've been trying to ask you-" I could tell that Alice was getting just about fed up with these guys as I was.

Then, out of nowhere, the March Hare got out a huge gavel and began banging it on the table. "I have an excellent idea. Let's change the subject." He then slammed the gavel down on the Hatter's head. I was surprised that that didn't kill him.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" the Mad Hatter asked, the sound coming out of the top flap of his hat.

"Riddles?" Alice observed. "Let me see now. 'Why is a raven like a writing desk?'" I, myself, couldn't figure out the answer, other than the possibility of them having the ability of hurting people; a raven clawing out a human's eyes, and a writing desk giving people splinters.

"I beg your pardon?" the Hatter asked out of the top of his hat.

"'Why's a raven like a writing desk'," Alice repeated.

"WHY IS A _WHAT_!" the Hatter cried, his head finally coming out of his hat. The March hare ran over and and leapt onto the Hatter.

"She's stark _ravin_ ' mad!" he yelled.

"But it's _your_ silly riddle!" Alice said angrily, getting out of her chair. "You just said-"

The Mad Hatter jumped out of his chair and began holding it in front of him as if Alice was some lion about to attack them, which she kind of was, at the moment.

"How about a nice cup of tea," the March Hare said intimidatingly, peeking his head out of the top of the Hatter's hat.

"Have a cup of tea, _indeed_!" Alice shouted, slamming her hand down on a nearby plate. I was hoping she would break it, but no. "Well I'm sorry, but we just haven't the time." She turned to leave. I threw my hands in the air and made a great whooping noise. We were _finally_ getting out of the dump.

"The time!" the March Hare was yelling. "The time! Who's got the time?"

"No, no, no," said a new voice. It sounded familiar. "No time. No time. Hello. Good-bye. I'm late! I'm late!"

We both turned around and saw-

"The White Rabbit!" Alice exclaimed. My jaw dropped; I was just a surprised as she was.

"Oh, I'm so late," he said, taking out his giant pocket watch and looking at it. "I'm so very late." The Mad Hatter suddenly took hold of it.

"Well, no wonder your late," he said, looking at the clock and shaking it. "Why _this_ clock is exactly two days slow."

"Two days slow!"

"Of course you're late. My goodness." He took the watch and dipped it into a pot of tea. Like _that_ was going to do any good. He then slammed it on the table and the back flew open, a couple of gears flying out on impact. "We'll have to look into this." He took a salt shaker and put it against his eye as if using it as an eyeglass. "Ah ha! I see what's wrong with it. Why _this_ watch is full of wheels." He took a spoon and began fishing a bunch of gears out of it. The White Rabbit tried to catch them as they went flying by.

"But-but-but-"

" _Butter_! Of course! This needs some butter. BUTTER!"

"BUTTER!" the March Hare yelled along into the White Rabbit's ear.

The White Rabbit inadvertently handed some butter to the Mad Hatter, and he began spreading it all over the back of the watch.

"No, no, no, no!" the White Rabbit objected. "You'll get crumbs in it!"

"Oh this is the very _best_ butter!" the Mad Hatter. "What are you talking about!"

"Tea?" the March Hare said, handing him a pot of tea.

"Tea! Oh, I never thought of tea. Of course! Tea!"

"No!" the White Rabbit objected. "Not tea!"

"Sugar?" the March Hare offered, stepping in front of the White Rabbit.

"Sugar; two spoons, yes," the Mad Hatter said, taking two spoons and jamming them into the back of the clock. I didn't know why Alice and I were witnessing this and neither of us were leaving. This clearly wasn't important for us to see.

"Be careful!" the White Rabbit begged.

"Jam?" the March Hare said, getting out a pot of jam.

"Jam; I forgot all about jam!" The Mad Hatter took the jam and began spreading it all over the clock.

"Mustard!"

"Mustard, yes, but - _Mustard_! Don't let's be silly." He then grabbed a nearby lemon. "Lemon, _that's_ different." He then slammed the back of the watch down. "That should do it."

Just as I predicted, the watch started to go crazy. Everyone began exclaiming at the watch's haywire-ness, except me of course. Finally, the March Hare took his gavel and brought it down hard on the watch, utterly destroying it.

"Two days slow, that's what it is," the Mad Hatter said, pushing the demolished watch back over to the White Rabbit.

"Oh, my watch," he said, tears forming in his eyes.

"IT WAS!?" the Mad Hatter yelled stupidly.

"It was an unbirthday present, too."

 _Oh Luna_! I thought in sudden panic.

"Well, in _that_ case-" the March Hare said, both he and the Mad Hatter picking up the White Rabbit. They began singing the Unbirthday Song again and then threw the White Rabbit out of the yard. Alice began chasing after him, with me in tow, as always.

" _Now_ where did he go to," Alice huffed as we passed through the gate. She then looked back over the gate to see the Mad Hatter and March Hare continuing to party. There was no way I was going back in there again.

"Of all the silly nonsense, this is the _stupidest_ tea party I've ever been to in all my life." She turned around and walked back into the forest.

"And you're _now_ just realizing that?" I said snarkily.

She then punched me in the face again.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 ** _Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been active lately. Christmas and stuff. Hope you all had a great holiday, and enjoy. Also,_ Family Guy _is owned by 20th Century Fox and Seth MacFarlane._**


	10. Chapter 9: Getting Lost in Tulgey Wood

Chapter 9- Getting Lost in Tulgey Wood

"Well I don't know about you Pinocchio, but I've had enough of nonsense," Alice said after storming around the path for a few seconds. "We're going home. _Straight_ home!"

I gave a victorious arm pump behind Alice's back.

"That rabbit," she continued to mumble to herself. "Who cares where he's going anywhere."

" _Finally_ , you realize that!" I said joyfully.

"Why, if it hadn't been for him, we-" But then Alice got distracted by a nearby sign. "'Tulgey Wood'," she read. "Curious; I don't remember this."

"Whoa there, Alice," I said, stepping right in front of her and grabbing her by the shoulders. "We can't afford anymore distractions like this. We need to focus on getting home, remember."

"I know," Alice said reasonably. "If we go through here, we might be able to find the way out."

I had no other choice. "All right," I sighed, letting go of her shoulders. "But if we get lost, don't say I didn't warn you."

"Now let me see," Alice said as we entered the woods.

Two seconds later, something landed on Alice's shoulders. It looked like some result of some sick cross-breeding experiment between a bird and a glasses. I had to contain my laughter at the sight of Alice's ridiculousness.

"What?" Alice asked. "What's so funny?"

When she turned around, there was another bird that looked like its face looked like a mirror. Alice looked into it to see to see how dumb she looked.

"No, no, please," she said, taking off the glasses bird. "No more nonsense."

We walked for a few more minutes.

"Now, if we came this way," Alice said to herself, "we should go back this way."

We both stepped over a log, but then there was a loud honking noise. Apparently, Alice had just stepped on what looked like some ducks whose bodies were old timey car horns.

"Oh, I beg your pardon!" Alice cried.

The mother horn-duck led her babies to a nearby pond. She then honked angrily at us and dove in. When she did, the ripples she created awoke what looked like a frog and a toad whose bodies were a drum and some cymbals. They both began bouncing on the lilypads.

"Goodness," Alice said as she began walking on the stepping stones in the water. "When we get home, I shall write a book about this place. If we - if we ever _do_ get home."

"Hey, don't say that," I said sternly, grabbing Alice by the shoulders again and making her face me. "We _will_ get back. We've come here and we'll go back again. Just like Mr. Bilbo! You'll see!"

Alice looked more confused than moved. "Pinocchio, what are you talking about?"

"I have no idea." Yeah, I wasn't pulling that speech off like how Sam did. Oh well.

We then heard some excited screeching from nearby. When Alice and I stepped off the stones, we walked over and looked down into a small glen. There were a bunch of bird-looking creatures with wings that looked like they were made of umbrellas, and they were all splashing in the water.

"Oh, umm, excuse us," Alice called down, alerting the bird things. "Could one of you tell us-"

But she never got the chance to finish because the birds began flying up to us. When they landed on a nearby branch, they did _not_ happy.

"Uh, never mind," Alice said nervously. We then set off further into the forest.

"Oh dear, it's getting dreadfully dark," Alice said after a few moments. I had to agree; it _was_ starting to get close to night time. "And nothing looks familiar."

We then heard some shoveling off to the left and saw what looked like a bird with a shovel blade for a head, digging around.

Alice sighed. "I shall _certainly_ be glad when I-" She then bonked her head up against yet another bizarre looking creature. It was …. Okay, I'm going to be perfectly honest here; it was a _bird_ cage. Had the head and feet of a bird and a body of a cage. And, of course, inside were some birds. When Alice hit her head against the thing, the door opened and the birds flew out. The birdcage then jumped off the branch it was on and ran after the birds. It soon caught them in its mouth and swallowed. The birds then appeared back in the cage part of its body again.

There then came some hooting from above. When Alice and I looked up, he quickly had to duck down because of some owl-looking thing with accordion bellows for a neck.

"It would be so nice if something would make sense, for a change," Alice mumbled.

"Tell me about it," I said.

After walking for a few more minutes, we found some birds at work on some wooden signs. Two of the birds had hammer heads for heads and the other two had pencils for heads. The hammer birds were hammering the signs to a tree and the pencil birds began writing something.

"'Don't step on the mome raths'," Alice read. "The mome raths?"

I was just as easily confused as Alice. All we saw were multicolored tufts of grass; that was until they sprung up out of the ground, revealing that they had eyes and legs. They began running around our legs and then gathered together to make an arrow, which pointed at a pink path. Alice gave a gasp of delight.

"Oh, thank _goodness_ ," she said as she ran onto the path. I was equally happy and ran after her. "I'd just knew we'd find one sooner or later. If we hurry, perhaps we might be home in time for tea! Oh, won't Dinah be happy to see me! I just can't wait till we-" But then we stopped.

There was something that looked like a dog with brush for a head and one on its tail, brushing off the path. When it got to me and Alice, it went around us and continued brushing.

"Oh dear," Alice said sadly. "Now we- now we shall never get out."

What happened to me next would be something that I would feel guilty about for a long time. Something in me just snapped.

" _This_ is all _your_ fault," I said between clenched teeth, my fist tightening.

" _My_ fault?" Alice said indignantly.

"NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T FOLLOWED THAT STUPID RABBIT IN THE _FIRST_ PLACE!" I yelled. I couldn't hold in my anger much longer. It all came spilling out of me like a wild cascade of fury.

"I was just curious to see what he was doing!" Alice yelled back in defiance.

"Yeah, and look where _that's_ got us! I told you we shouldn't have gone into this stupid forest - no - I told you we shouldn't have gone down that rabbit hole, to begin with. But, _as usual_ , you didn't listen to me, AND NOW LOOK WHERE WE ARE! This is EXACTLY what happens when you let your curiosity get the better of you Alice, and now because of you, WE'RE GOING TO BE STU-"

 _BAM!_

The full impact of Alice's fist came smashing into my face. When I regained my composure, I looked her, holding my jaw. The look in her eyes told me that she knew I wasn't going to walk this one off this time.

"Oh, I see," I seethed dangerously, getting to me feet. "You wanna fight?"

I raced towards Alice, fist raised. She then caught them with her hands and began holding her ground as I began pushing at her. She had dug her feet into the ground and started moving backwards. She eventually pushed me away and I came crashing to the ground. I quickly started to run up a tree. I needed to figure out a new battle strategy. But as I did, she grabbed hold of my tail and brought me careening back to earth. As I laid there, she started kicking me in the face. My temper reaching breaking point, I lunged at her, making her fall backwards. What happened then was me losing all control as I started punching Alice over and over in the face. It wasn't until after a few seconds that I stopped. What made me end my tyrannical rage was that Alice had started crying. Fresh tears were pooling down her face. Shock coursing through me, I clambered off of her. Thankfully, I hadn't done too much damage to her face; just a bloody lip.

"Alice, I-" I stammered as I got back up. "I'm sorry. I-"

"No," Alice said tearfully, wiping the blood off her mouth, "you're right. This _is_ my fault." She walked into a small clearing and sat down on a rock that was in the middle of it. "Well, when one's lost, I-I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But-but who'd ever think to look for us here?"

I walked over and sat down beside her.

"Good advice." She started sniffling. "You were right, Pinocchio. Maybe if-if I'd listened to you earlier, we wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice…"

Then she started singing, and had nothing to say about it.

 _But I very seldom follow it._

 _That explains the trouble that I'm always in._

 _Be patient is very good advice,_

 _But the waiting makes me curious,_

 _And I'd love the change_

 _Should something strange begin._

 _Well, I went along my merry way,_

 _And I never stopped to reason …_

Tears started falling down her face. I just hoped _I_ didn't start crying.

 _I should've know there'd be a price to pay_

 _Someday …._

 _Someday …._

 _I give myself … very good advice_

 _But I very seldom … follow it._

Alice then broke down completely and buried her face in her handkerchief.

 _Will I very learn …_

 _To do the things … I should_

I let Alice cry for a few more minutes. I then put my hand on her shoulder. She turned around to face me, and after a few seconds, she wrapped her arms around me.

"You were right, Pinocchio," Alice sobbed. "This is all my fault."

"No, it's not your fault, Alice," I comforted, holding her and stroking her blonde hair soothingly. "It never was. You were just curious, that's all."

"Yes, and look where _that's_ gotten us."

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay." I sighed. "You know, if I wasn't such a jerk, I would've followed that rabbit, too." Alice slowly looked up at me. " _Anyone_ would've followed him. But just because you did does not make it your fault, all right." She buried her face into my shoulder. "I'm sorry I beat you up. We're going to get out of here."

"How? There _is_ no way out of here."

"We'll find a way, don't worry. I promise."

Alice finally smiled.

"Thank you, Pinocchio," she said, leaning into my shoulder again. "You're a good friend."

"Even though I suck?"

"Even though you suck."

I smiled proudly. We then heard some singing behind us. It sounded familiar. When we turned around, we saw, sitting on a tree branch-

"Oh, Cheshire Cat, it's you!" Alice said, getting up off the rock.

"Did you expect the White Rabbit, for chance?" he asked, turning his tail into rabbit ears and propping them on his head.

"Oh no, no, no," Alice said. "We're through with rabbits. We want to go home!" She blew her nose. "But we can't find our way."

"Naturally, that's because you both have no way," he said. I was just about ready to go up there and punch that stupid feline in the face. "All ways here, you see, are the queen's way."

I didn't know why, but that didn't sound good.

"But we've never met any queen," Alice said honestly.

"Well, for me, not counting my aunt," I pointed out.

"You haven't?" the cat said delighted. "You have _not_? _Oh_ , but you _must_! She'll be mad about you! Simply mad!" He laughed and started to disappear.

"Please, please!" Alice said, stopping him quickly. "How can we find her?"

"Well, some go _this_ way," he said, pointing to the right, "some go _that_ way." He pointed to the left. "But as for me, myself personally, I'd prefer the shortcut." He pulled on a branch like a lever and a door opened in the tree that was in front of us.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hi everyone. Here's the next chapter. Some things I need to establish first: One, Pinocchio and Alice are just**_ **friends _in this, so please respect that. Two, I do not condone child violence. That part was just for drama. Also,_ Lord of the Rings _is owned by New Line Cinema, Peter Jackson, and J. R. R. Tolkien. Enjoy and please don't forget to review_**


	11. Chapter 10: A Deadly Game of Croquet

Chapter 10- A Deadly Game of Croquet

On the other side was a huge hedge-mazed garden, and I could see a castle in the distance. Alice went on ahead inside. I was a little hesitant, at first, but then went after her.

As we navigated our way through the maze, my only concern being that the walls would close in like in the fourth _Harry Potter_ , there was some singing in the distance. Suddenly, a splash of red flew over one of the hedge walls and splattered in front of us. When I took a closer look, I noticed that it was paint. At least it wasn't the other thing that I was thinking. The singing had gotten louder.

 _Painting the roses red_

 _We're painting the roses red._

 _We cannot stop_

 _Or waste a drop_

 _So let the painting spread._

 _We're painting the roses reeeeeeed._

 _We're painting the roses red_

Alice began hopping so that she could see over the hedge. As she made her way down, she jumped passed an opening. She stopped and we both peered inside. I would've been surprised by what I'd seen, but given all the other crap I'd seen today, I wasn't all _that_ surprised. They looked like life-sized playing cards with heads, arms, hands, and feet. They clearly seemed to be painting some white roses, well, red.

 _Ooooooh_

 _Painting the roses red,_

 _With every tear we shed_

 _Because we know_

 _They'll cease to grow._

 _In fact, they'll soon be dead._

 _Yet, we go ahead;_

 _Painting the roses red._

They walked over to another tree and began working on that one. Alice and I walked up to them. She tapped one of the cards on the shoulder and joined in on the singing.

 _Oh, pardon us,_

 _But Mr. Three,_

 _Why must you paint them red?_

Like _I_ was interested.

"Huh?" they all said together. "Oooooh." One of the cards had accidentally hit the other two cards in the face with the wet paint brush.

"Well, the fact is, you two," the card explained, "we planted the white roses by mistake, and-" They started singing again.

 _The Queen, she likes them red_

 _As she so likely said._

 _She'd raise a fuss,_

 _And each of us_

 _Would quickly lose his head._

They made a slashing gesture across their necks with the red paint brush, making it look even more unsettling.

"Goodness," Alice said.

"Yeesh," I agreed.

 _Since_ this _is the part we dread_

 _We're painting the roses red._

"Oh dear," Alice said. "Well then, let me help you." She grabbed a nearby bucket with a brush in it. I was about to object to this idea, but then I decided to let her go. "You want to help?"

"Nah, I'm good," I said honestly. The four of them went back to singing as I watched.

 _Painting the roses red._

 _We're painting the roses red._

 _Don't tell the Queen_

 _Until they've seen_

 _Or say that's what we said_

 _But we're painting the roses red._

 _Yes, painting the roses._

 _Not pink;_

 _Not green;_

 _Not aquamarine._

 _We're painting the roses red._

There was a sudden trumpetting in the distance.

"The Queen!" the cards started shouting.

"The Queen," Alice gasped.

The cards began running around like dogs without horses until they fell flat on their faces. Both Alice and I joined them for … reasons.

When Alice and I looked up, there were a bunch more card guys marching around us. However, I guessed that these guys were soldiers.

"CARDS! HALT!" someone hollered.

The card soldiers stopped marching and formed a big heart around us.

"PAIR OFF!" the voice yelled again.

The soldiers in front of us began parting and holding their spears in an archway like way. Then, from behind us came a trumpetting. And who else could it be but the-

"The Rabbit!" Alice whispered. Well, she finally got her answer as to where he was heading.

He came running past us and passed all of the soldiers.

"Her imperial highness," he said completely out of breath, "her grace, her excellency, her royal majesty, the Queen of Hearts."

Out came possibly the fattest woman, no, _person_ I'd ever seen. Her obesity even matched out Oogie's, and _that_ was saying something. Oh, she also had black hair, a golden crown on top of it, and a face that was just as ugly. Either way, a lot of people cheered for her when she came out. Then, from behind her came a diminutive man.

"And the King," the Rabbit finished. Only one person cheered for him. Poor guy.

Suddenly, the Queen's face contorted into fury. She began stomping over to the rose trees, making an evil smile which I was sure would haunt me in my nightmares that night. When she made it to the trees, she touched one of them. It was then when I noticed that one of the rose's paint was dripping off.

"Who's been painting my roses red?" she asked, although she sounded like a serial killer asking his victims which one of them wanted to be killed first. She then pulled out the tree from the ground. If the woman's body didn't make up for her fatness, then her muscles surely did. "WHO'S BEEN PAINTING MY ROSES RED!" After that, I couldn't understand her because she just started yelling nonsense. I wondered if she had become so angry that she couldn't think of words, so she just decided to make sounds.

"Oh no, your majesty, please, it's all his fault," one of the cards said, pointing his paintbrush at one of the other cards.

"Not me, your grace!" the other cards pleaded. "The ace! The ace!" He pointed at the card next to him.

"You!" the Queen yelled.

"No!" the third card yelled. "Two!"

"The two, you say!" I think the Queen was starting to figure out what was going on.

"Not me! The three!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" The soldiers began cheering as the three poor cards were dragged away to their deaths.

"SILENCE!" The Queen screamed, jumping in the air and, when she hit the ground, the cards all fell over.

"Oh, please, please," Alice pleaded, hiding the brush that she had. "They were only trying to-"

"And _who_ is _this_?" the Queen asked, pointing at us.

"Well now, let me see, my dear," the King said, walking up to us. "They certainly aren't hearts. Do you suppose they're clubs?"

"Why, it's a little girl and boy," the Queen said, her voice suddenly getting all sweet.

"Yes," Alice said, both of us getting up, "a-and we were just wondering-"

"Look up!" the Queen ordered. "Speak nicely, AND DON'T TWIDDLE YOUR FINGERS!"

Alice threw her fingers behind her.

"Turn out your toes," she ordered. "Curtsy. Open your mouth a little wider, and _always_ say 'YES, YOUR MAJESTY'!"

"Yes, your majesty," Alice said.

The Queen giggled, patting Alice on the head. I was surprised that she wasn't ordering _me_ to do anything. "Now, where do you both come from and where are you both going?" she asked.

"Well, we're trying to find our way home," Alice explained.

" _YOUR_ WAY!" The Queen yelled. "ALWAYS HERE, IT'S _MY_ WAY!" She yelled so loudly that Alice and I fell over.

"Yes, w-we know, but we were just thinking -"

"Curtsy while you're thinking. It saves time."

"Yes, your majesty." Alice curtsied and then got up. "But I was only going to ask you-"

" _I'LL_ ASK THE QUESTION! Do you play croquet?"

"No," I said flatly, though I don't think she heard me. Thank goodness.

"Why, yes your majesty," Alice said.

"THEN LET THE GAME BEGIN!" the Queen announced.

A bunch of card soldiers around us began forming themselves into croquet hoops. I looked over and saw that they wouldn't be playing with croquet mallets, but … _flamingos_?... Whatever.

The Queen went first and picked out a green flamingo from the pile. I then noticed that they would be playing with hedgehogs instead of balls. I was starting to wonder if this was going to be a croquet game or an example of animal abuse. As the Queen was about to make her shot, Alice went to pick from the pile of flamingos. Unfortunately, they had plans of their own and started flying around like crazy.

"SILENCE!" the Queen screamed, forcing Alice to choose a pink flamingo. Figures she'd get the stereotypical one.

The Queen made her shot, or at least, attempted. She swung so hard that she spun around in circles for a few minutes. The King then came up and urged the green hedgehog to get rolling. The card soldiers then started jumping around as to make sure that the hedgehog got through them. I figured that they were only doing that so that the Queen wouldn't kill the crap out of them. Also, from the way the hedgehog was rolling, this was starting to feel like _Sonic_ _the Hedgehog_ , except they weren't going that fast. Everyone clapped for the Queen once the animal had stopped rolling.

The Queen went up to take her second shot. She, once again, missed, and the hedgehog took off. This time, the card soldiers formed a straight line for the animal to roll through. It went through all of them, except for one card soldier at the end who was too slow to to form up with the others. It chased after the hedgehog, but tripped.

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" the Queen ordered. The card soldier was then taken away to his death.

"You're next!" the Queen ordered to Alice.

At first, I think Alice thought she was going to get her head cut off, but then realized it was her turn in the game. A look of relief appeared on her face, Alice stepped up to … bat? Honestly, I don't know how this game works, people.

She stepped up, but then the flamingo went limp and made a stupid noise. Alice tried again by scrunching up the flamingo and trying to use only its head to make it hit the hedgehog. But then it stood up, forcing her to mess up her turn. Everyone laughed at her expense, except me, which was a first. Alice then turned over the flamingo to face her, but all it did was roll onto its back and pushed her up with its feet. It then began tickling her, making her laugh like crazy. I sighed. Of _course_ this would be going badly. Alice whispered something to the flamingo and it nodded its head stupidly. I figured that whatever she had said to it, it wasn't hearing it. It then rolled over, forcing Alice to roll with it. It began to fly away, but Alice kept a firm grip on its feet. And after a skirmish of which I couldn't make out, the flamingo ended up having Alice on the ground as the mallet and it up to bat. The crowd cheered for this. I was about to go up there and pull a Homer Simpson strangle on the bird, but then Alice tricked it into leaning towards her, enabling her to grab its neck. She then took her turn and hit the pink hedgehog hard. As it rolled across the field, all of the cards dodged it and it went careening into a rose tree. Everyone, once again, laughed at this. I knew it; this game was fixed, even more than the 1919 World Series.

As the Queen walked up to take her turn, I walked over to Alice and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. And then I saw something that made me begin to think that this world was getting to me: the Queen had a _tail_! However, it looked vaguely familiar. I was about to swear loudly when the Cheshire Cat appeared on the Queen's butt.

"I say," he said, "how are you both getting on?"

"Not at all," Alice said ticked.

"Beg pardon?"

"I said ' _Not at all_ '."

"WHO ARE YOU BOTH TALKING TO!?" the Queen yelled.

Alice was about to give away the cat, but then I stepped in.

"To each other! We were talking to each other."

The Queen gave us a testy look. "Well, be more quiet!" she commanded. "I'm trying to concentrate."

Alice pushed me out of the way.

" _No_. We weren't talking to each other. We were talking to the cat." Alice pointed to where the cat's face was.

"Cat?" the Queen asked, looking around. "Where?" The cat kept disappearing and reappearing.

"There!" Alice pointed. The cat disappeared again. The Queen turned around, and when she did, the cat appeared on her but again. "Oh, there he is again."

"I warn you, children," the Queen said dangerously. "IF I LOSE MY TEMPER, YOU BOTH LOSE YOUR HEADS! UNDERSTAND!" She waved her flamingo in our faces and then went back to take her turn.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, grabbing Alice by the arm and forcing her to face me.

"Telling the truth," Alice whispered back.

" _Noooo_ ," I said through clenched teeth. "Because right now would be a good time for us _to lie_!"

The cat then appeared on the Queen's butt again. "You know," he said. "We _could_ make her _really_ angry. Shall we try."

"Oh, no, no, no," Alice said in panic. I was equally freaking out. What was wrong with this guy!

"Oh, but it's loads of fun." The cat grabbed onto the flamingo as the Queen took aim and put its beak under her dress. At that moment, I wished more than anything that I would just die so that I wouldn't have to face this next part. The Queen tried to swing her flamingo over, but when she did, she made herself fall right on her face. Everyone panicked.

"Oh no!" Alice cried.

"Oh my fur and whiskers," the Rabbit freaked.

"Oh crap," I groaned.

"Oh dear, save the Queen!" the King commanded.

A bunch of card soldiers gathered around her, including the King.

"Someone's head will roll for this!" she said in a deadly voice. She pushed all of the card soldiers down. The look on her face made me think of a red version of Hulk. Alice and I backed up into a bunch of card soldiers. "OFF WITH THEIR-"

"But consider, my dear," the King said quickly, "couldn't they have a trial? Huh? First?"

" _TRIAL_!" the Queen yelled.

"Well, just a little trial?"

Alice nodded. At least this would delay our death for a little while.

"Very well, then," the Queen agreed. "LET THE TRIAL BEGIN!"

I then prayed that, somehow, we would get ourselves out of this situation. Though, probably unlikely.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_

 _ **Hi everyone. Here's the next chapter. So a few things: One, school is starting for me again so I may not be posting for a while, but I will try my best. Two, I know that Pinocchio doesn't do much in this chapter, but I promise next chapter, there will be more of his shenanigans. Enjoy and please review**_


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11- An Idiotic Trial and the Escape

We were taken to a large courtroom where pretty much everyone who was not us were seated in high platforms. Oh, and also excluding the guards. The White Rabbit ran up to his platform, playing his obnoxious trumpet again.

"Your Majesty," he announced, "members of the jury, loyal subjects-". The King had tapped on his shoulder. "And the King," he finished. "The prisoners of the bar are charged with enticing her Majesty, the Queen of Hearts, into a game of croquet-"

"But-" Alice tried to interject, but the two guards who were standing on either side of us threw their spears in front of her.

"-teasing, tormenting, and otherwise annoying her-"

"NEVER MIND ALL THAT!" the Queen yelled. "Get to the part where I lose my temper."

The White Rabbit fumbled through his scroll until he got to the end.

"Thereby causing the Queen to lose her temper," he ended.

"Now," the Queen said, "are you both ready for your sentences?"

"Sentences?" Alice said confused. "But there must be a verdict first." I didn't know a thing about all this court stuff, except that you're either guilty or not, and if you're guilty you either go to jail or, like us most likely, die. So, I was just going to let Alice do the talking.

"SENTENCE FIRST!" the Queen shouted. "Verdicts afterwards."

"But that just isn't the way!"

"ALL WAYS ARE-"

"Your ways, your majesty." This was either going to be a very long trial or, judging by how things were going, a very short trial.

"Yes, my children." The Queen looked calm for a moment, but then- "OFF WITH THEIR-"

"Consider, my dear," the King stepped in, "we called no witnesses. Couldn't we hear maybe one or two? Huh? Couldn't we?"

"Oh, very well," the Queen said grudgingly. "BUT GET ON WITH IT!" She screamed so loudly that the King fell off of his chair. This was either going to be the most stressful or hilarious trial I'd ever been in. Then again, it was the _first_ trial I'd ever been in.

"First witness!" the King announced. "First witness!"

"The March Hare!" the White Rabbit said.

They carried the March Hare in by his ears while he was drinking a cup of tea. Seriously? They were bringing in _this_ guy as a witness? I was about ready to scream into my hat.

"What do you know about this unfortunate affair?" the King asked.

"Nothing," the Hare answered.

"NOTHING WHATEVER?!" the Queen screamed.

"NOTHING WHATEVER!" the Hare yelled back.

"THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT!" she bellowed at the King, causing him to fall off his seat again. I almost felt bad for him, having to endure this each and everyday. "Jury, write that down."

The jury began to write down random stuff, I presume.

" _Un_ important," Alice stepped in, trying to add some _sense_ to this bullcrap of a trial, "your Majesty means, of course?"

"SILENCE!" the Queen hollered so loudly that it blew Alice's blonde hair back and forced me to hang onto my hat. "Next witness."

"The Doormouse!" the White Rabbit announced.

Two guards carefully brought in the Mouse's teapot on a pillow and placed it gently down on front of the Queen.

The Queen grabbed the teapot and tore the lid off.

"WELL-" the Queen yelled, but then the guards shushed her and she began to whisper, finally. "What have you to say about this?"

The Mouse appeared out of the pot and began singing its "Twinkle Twinkle" song again.

"That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet," the Queen whispered to the King, and then went back to screaming her head off. "WRITE THAT DOWN!"

The jury began writing again.

"Twinkle, twinkle," Alice scoffed. "What next?"

"I think I know," I said miserably.

"The Mad Hatter," the White Rabbit announced.

I took off my hat and began screaming into it. Thank gosh nobody noticed.

The Mad Hatter walked in, bowed to the Queen, but then got poked in the butt by two guards, which made him go stand before the Queen.

"OFF WITH YOUR HAT!" she screamed. I would've given _anything_ for her to have said the other thing.

The Mad Hatter took his hat off and underneath it was, as you can imagine, a teapot and a teacup.

"Where were you when this 'horrible' crime was committed?" the King asked, though I think he was starting to get tired of this.

"I was home drinking tea," the Mad Hatter said, squirting tea from the pot and into the cup. "Today, you know, is my unbirthday."

"Why my dear, today is _your_ unbirthday, too," the King said excited.

"It is?" the Queen said.

"It is!" the March Hare said.

"IT IS!" everyone said.

 _God, please, kill me right now in whatever way you want_ , I prayed. But nothing happened.

"Oh no!" Alice moaned. _Finally_ she was empathetic with me.

I decided to tune out the Unbirthday song by playing the ending theme of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ in my head. It actually helped to keep my sanity. When the song ended, the Queen had gotten a present, which was a big, purple accessory she could put on her head with her crown. But then, the accessory changed.

"Oh!" Alice cried. "Your majesty!"

"Yes, my dear," the Queen said, totally elated.

"Look! There he is now!"

"What? Who?"

"The Cheshire Cat!"

The Cat then disappeared, but the Queen got a quick look at him before he did.

"CAT!" she yelled.

The Doormouse then jumped out of his teacup and began running around the place. He ran up the Queen's face, followed by the March Hare and the Mad Hatter. They ran up a tapestry, accidentally ripping it from the wall, which came falling down onto the Queen.

"The jam! The jam!" the Mad Hatter hollered.

"The jam! The jam, by order of the King!" the King called.

Alice ran to get the jam jar. I tried to stop her, knowing that if she got involved it wouldn't end well, but I was too late. The March Hare took a huge spoonful and threw it.

"LET ME HAVE IT!" the Queen yelled. The entire slab of jam hit her in the face.

The King was still chasing the Mouse. He tried to hit it with his mallet but accidentally hit the Queen on the head. We were all up a creek now. In panic, the King handed the mallet to the March Hare, who handed it to the Mad Hatter, who handed it to Alice.

"SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GOING TO ROLL FOR THIS!" the Queen yelled. She tore the tapestry off her head, looking directly at Alice. Alice threw the jam jar and the mallet away and tried to look innocent, putting her hands in her pocket. But then a look came on her face as if she suddenly remembered something.

"The mushroom!" she said. I felt as though I had just received an electric shock, suddenly remembering them, too. Alice stuffed them into her mouth.

"OFF WITH THEIR HEA-" the Queen was about to say, but then stopped at the sight of Alice's rapid growing. She grew so tall that her head bumped against the ceiling. I propelled myself up to her to Alice's immense height, at least I would be safe up there because the guards had started poking her with their spears.

"Oh poo," Alice said. Finally, _that_ was the side of Alice I wanted to see her take out on these people. The side that she always took out on me whenever she was furious with me. "I'm not bothered by you." She reached down and picked up a few of the guards. "Why you're nothing but a pack of cards." She held them in her hand like how one would do during a card game.

"Rule 42," the King called up to us. "All persons more than a mile high must leave the court _immediately_!"

"I am _not_ a mile high," Alice yelled, "and we're not leaving." I facepalmed myself. Apparently, Alice didn't see that that would be the perfect time for us to escape.

"Sorry," the Queen said nervously, fiddling with her now crushed crown. "Rule 42, you know."

"And as for _you_ ," Alice said, leaning down close to the Queen. She picked up the King and used him as a shield. "Your 'Majesty!' 'Your Majesty,' indeed. Why _you're_ not a queen. You're just a fat, pampered, bad-tempered old ty-tyrant." As Alice said this, she mysteriously started to shrink. I propelled down next to her, seeing the look of doom on her face.

"Pinocchio," she whispered shakily to me. "What just happened?"

I was just as bewildered. The only thing that came out of my mouth was, "Results may vary?"

"Now, _what_ we you saying, my dear," the Queen said in a dangerously calm voice. It was only then that we realized that the Cheshire Cat was sitting on her head.

"Well, she simply said you're a fat, pompous, bad-tempered, old tyrant," he laughed.

I felt as if a boulder had just flattened me. We were _dead_.

"OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!" the Queen finally screamed.

The card soldiers began advancing on us. I grabbed Alice's hand and we both ran for the exit. If I ever met that cat again, I was going to wipe him from existence. The cards tried to block us from getting to the exit, but we pushed passed them. I guess we did have some advantages to these guys.

We ran out the door and into the hedge-maze garden. The guards were still chasing us, but to some brilliant miracle, we were running faster than them. We soon noticed that the Queen and King were after us, too, which made us run faster.

Some guards tried to get in front of us, but Alice pushed them over. Suddenly, the cards' bodies began arching upwards, which sent us flying for a minute, and then we came careening downwards. Suddenly, I felt a strange tingling in by body. Not like when parts of your body fall asleep. _This_ tingling felt different.

Suddenly, we were back at the caucus race, running around in circles again. And to make things even weirder, most of the people we had met here were running with us. We soon jumped out of the race and continued to run for it, with the Queen running behind us, screaming for our heads to be chopped off.

I felt the tingling again, and the next thing I knew, we were back at the mad tea party, but we were running on the table. The Mad Hatter and March Hare appeared.

"Wait a moment," the Mad Hatter said, both him and the March Hare grabbing our arms. "You can't leave a tea party without having a cup of tea, you know." I tried to punch them, but their grips were too tight.

"But we _can't_ stop now!" Alice cried.

"Ah, but we insist," the March Hare said. "You must join us for a cup of tea."

We then fell into a tea cup, and I felt the tingling again. When we surfaced, we were back in the pool of tears. I didn't know what was going on, but as long as Alice and I got out of there, that was all that mattered. The Queen was right behind us again, riding on the toucan that the Dodo was riding on when we first met him.

We saw the Caterpillar, or Butterfly in this case, on a large mushroom, smoking.

"Mr. Caterpillar!" Alice cried. "What will we do?"

"Who are you!" the Caterpillar said, breathing smoke in our faces. Yeah, I didn't expect him to be much help.

I felt the tingling again, but it felt stronger this time. When the smoke cleared, we saw the door. We ran to it, with everyone in hot pursuit. Alice grabbed the handle and tried to turn it.

"It's still locked, you know," the doorknob groaned.

"But the Queen," Alice said panicked. "We simply _must_ get out!"

"But you both _are_ out," the doorknob laughed.

" _What_?"

"See for yourselves."

He opened his mouth and we looked through.

"Why-why that's us!" Alice cried. It was us. We were still in the park, resting by the tree.

"We're asleep," Alice said.

"Yeah, and it looks like I'm drooling on you," I observed.

We heard the Queen screaming from behind us. They were all getting closer.

"Alice, Pinocchio wake up!" Alice yelled to us. "Please wake up, you two!"

As all the people we had met here approached us, everything went fuzzy and then black.

"Alice!" I heard Margaret's voice calling. "Alice! Will you kindly pay attention and recite your lessons."

I then felt my head bonk against something hard. I woke up and realized we were back at the park, and it was in the afternoon. Alice must've bolted awake, causing me to fall and hit my head against the ground.

"How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail," Alice began reciting as I rubbed my head.

"Alice, what _are_ you talking about?" Margaret asked.

"Oh, sorry," Alice apologized. "But you see, the caterpillar-"

"Caterpillar?" Margaret said confused as I got up. "Oh, for _goodness_ sake. Alice, I …." She sounded as if she'd had enough. "Oh, come along, you two. It's time for tea."

"That _doesn't_ sound pleasing," I grumbled, still rubbing my head. We began to follow Margaret. "Man, I had the weirdest dream. We were in this super trippy world and we almost died."

"Strange, I think I had the same dream, too," Alice said. She then looked at me with an expression as if she were praying to God that it wasn't true; that _I_ wasn't in her dream as well. I smiled at her mischievously.

"Well, at least it's all over now, right?" I said gladly. "Right?..."

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Hey everybody. Sorry this came so late. Things came up. So here's the last chapter. So glad I got this done. Next story will have a different type of narration. But it will still be good. Have a good day, and please leave reviews._**


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